


1048

by theundeadsiren (rhoen)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Barebacking, British Military, Bulemia, But then this happened, Condoms, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, EDNOS, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hand Jobs, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, I wanted to write smut, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Public Display of Affection, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shower Sex, Smut, University, re-establishing a relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-22 20:32:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2520866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/theundeadsiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things went differently: Rick wasn’t deployed in Afghanistan, and Kieren went to art college. It’s been just over two years since Rick left, and he has a months leave after a tour of duty in Iraq.</p><p>First chapter rated T. Explicit for subsequent chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1048

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as a sort of continuation of [Daylight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2517572), as it made me think about what might have happened if Rick had come back alive. The comments left on Daylight, as my original chapter note said, made me so happy I almost immediately made myself sad again.
> 
> Re-posted 09/07/15.
> 
> As always, this is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.

**You may not take this fic and edit or reupload it - in whole or in part - without my express permission. This includes translations.**

If you are reading this anywhere other than my (theundeadsiren) tumblr, AO3 or livejournal, then please [let me know](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/ask/), including a link to where you found it, so I can take steps to have it removed. For a list of people given permission to use parts of my works, please see [here](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/permission).

Thank you for respecting my wishes

* * *

 

_Ren,_

_Back from overseas on the 6th and I have four weeks leave starting on the 14 th of November. Second weekend I’m going to my parents for a few days but I’m staying in Lancaster. Would be good to catch up if you’re free. Text me – 07746479835. Can reply when back in Blighty._

_Hope this finds you._

_Rick_

 

 

Rick knew he looked different. A tour of duty in the Middle East was known to change a man. There had perhaps been a boyish softness to Rick’s features when he went to basic, but the recent tour had thinned him slightly, drawn his features tighter and given him lines where there hadn’t been any before. Before leaving his hotel, he’d stood in front of the mirror and scrutinised his appearance in a way he hadn’t done in years, trying to see past familiarity and guess what it was others might see when they looked at him. He had just turned twenty-one, but could pass for twenty-five.

He loved the time he’d spent in the army, and the friends he’d made. They were family to him. It was hard to think about facing a whole month of civilian life without them constantly around. They all had their own families, though – some even had kids. Rick had his own family too, but for some reason he was reluctant to return to Roarton. He’d told his dad that a few of them were having a week of down-time together, hence the delay in returning home. He just had to say that it was ‘an army thing’ and his dad would relent. It wasn’t entirely untrue – a lot of the lads in Rick’s regiment were from Lancaster and the area nearby, and they had planned to meet up the coming weekend for a late celebration of Rick’s twenty-first, which he’d spent pinned down in a firefight that had started after one of his team had been taken out by a sniper. Not exactly the best day on tour, Rick thought a little sadly. He didn’t really care to celebrate his birthday, but getting hammered far from base without COs or staff sergeants to make the following day hellish sounded pretty good. And there was someone he hoped might also want to be there.

As he walked towards the station, Rick wondered if Kieren would recognise him. A strange nervousness coiled tightly in his stomach – something he’d only ever felt when waiting for bad news – and he realised he was not just nervous about how Kieren would find his appearance, but also about how Kieren would look after all this time.  Rick knew that he’d always recognise his friend, but how much would he have changed? How much taller would Kieren had grown? Had he dyed his hair as he’d always wanted to, or gotten any piercings? Was he still wearing those carefully ripped clothes bearing patches and slogans that had always made Rick grin at Kieren’s attitude? Did he still listening to discordant music far too loudly while scowling at everyone in defiance? Rick had thought about those things a lot, and now couldn’t help the way his mind raced over every possibility. He’d wondered how Ren was doing, how he’d changed, who he’d met, who he was with, what he was doing… It has been just over two years – two years, two months and three weeks to this day – and after a six month tour of duty in Iraq, Rick desperately wanted to see Kieren again. He’d missed him more than anything, and more and more often had found himself thinking back to time they’d spent together – more than he had of his home and family. Perhaps enough had changed for it to be okay. It would still hurt to see Kieren having moved on without him, but that was always how it was supposed to be. Rick knew that. He wasn’t a part of Kieren’s life any more. He just needed to know that he was okay; that he was happy.

They had agreed to meet at the Platform 3 entrance at eleven, but Rick was early. His watch read 1048. He ignored the people waiting in line to buy their tickets, and walked straight onto the bridge, listening to the echo of his footsteps on the covered wooden planking. The rails were empty, no trains due for another five minutes at least. Rick glanced out at the tracks as he walked, the metal gleaming in the low winter sun. He hadn’t realised just how cold it felt in the UK in the winter. It wasn’t even truly winter yet, but he was wishing he’d put on more than a t-shirt, hoodie and his leather jacket. Hands stuffed firmly in his jean pockets, Rick shifted his attention to watch the people walking towards him, and froze.

It felt as if he had been punched. The air was forced from his lungs as Rick just stood there, dumbfounded. Four meters away, at the top of the stairs from platform 3, stood Kieren, looking every bit as shocked as Rick felt. Kieren wasn't supposed to be there – not now, not yet. Rick hadn’t been prepared for…

Kieren looked good. Rick tried to take in what he was seeing; tried to process it and work out if it was real. His heart felt bruised. Kieren had only gotten more beautiful in the years they’d been apart. He looked older. His hair was longer and messier than Rick remembered, although still that strawberry blond Rick loved so much, and Rick didn’t recognise the dark navy parka Kieren was wrapped in, but those astonishing dark eyes were the same – completely captivating, even from this distance. He’d wondered how he’d feel if – and recently, when – he saw Kieren again, and now he knew. It felt uplifting and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Someone said something, clearly directed at him, and Rick’s attention shifted as he realised he was in the way of the stairs down to platform 4, blocking someone’s way. He muttered a hasty apology at the balding businessman, stepping to the side to let him past, but in that moment he’d been distracted, heavy footfall echoed in the walkway and Rick found a blur of motion crashing into him, nearly knocking him over. Without thinking, his arms wrapped around Kieren. The fierceness with which Kieren clung to him was alarming; Rick could feel how much effort was put into that hold, yet how weak it was. He held Ren back in arms more used to weaponry and physical exertion than giving comfort and strength, feeling completely undermined and lost when he realised that Kieren was trembling. He was sobbing. The pain and relief in Kieren’s tears tore at Rick’s heart, making his own eyes sting.

Rick didn’t care how long they stood there. It was just the two of them, in their own world, clinging together and trying to untangle the mess of thoughts and emotions vying for attention. Eventually, Kieren pulled back slightly, arms still around Rick, and Rick did the same, a hand lifting to push tears from Kieren’s face. He looked beautiful. Rick couldn’t help the way his gaze flickered down to Kieren’s lips for a moment, and his cheeks flushed guiltily. And then he noticed the way Ren angled his jaw towards him, a tiny fraction of a movement that spoke volumes. They’d never done this before. They’d never kissed in public. Rick couldn’t help it though. He should probably think about what he was about to do, but the way Kieren looked at him in that moment, so lost and hurt, and the way Rick felt… He could deny himself, but he could never deny Ren.

His eyes fell shut as he closed the short distance between them. He felt Kieren hiccough and gasp at the careful touch, before he kissed back, fresh tears dampening the hand Rick still held against his cheek. He brushed the wetness away, other arm sliding down to Kieren’s waist and holding him to Rick’s body in the way Kieren seemed to want to do himself, but couldn’t quite manage. His frailty hurt. Rick wanted to give him strength, to make whatever it was that was wrong okay again. He kissed to give, to try and lend Kieren strength, but also to take, to taste and feel what he’d longed for in the years that had passed.

Above them, the speaker announced the next train at platform 4, cycling through the calling points. The sound of it registered, and Rick slowly pulled away, realising that, where they were, a few people had had to step around them. He gave Kieren a smile. “Hey,” he managed, noticing the way his voice cracked with emotion. Kieren looked as if he was trying to smile back, although a sobbing laugh was all that escaped him. Rick wanted to pull him close again, but he knew that if he did, they would never move from this spot. Instead, his fingers gently stroked Kieren’s cheek again, before tracing down his shoulder, finding Kieren’s gloved hand and lacing their fingers together when Kieren loosened his arms from around Rick. “You’re early.”

Kieren nodded, seemingly grateful to have some menial conversation to latch onto. “Wanted a coffee.” They were the first words Rick had heard from his lips in over two years.

“Good idea, I’m freezing,” he said, giving Kieren another smile and trying to look happy and relaxed when, really, he was falling apart. Every tiny thing was bringing back the pain he’d felt in missing Kieren tenfold. And he hadn’t meant to kiss him, but now that he had, Rick wanted to pull Kieren close and never let go ever again. He wanted nothing more than to have Kieren to himself again, to go somewhere – anywhere – where they could be alone and he could spend hours relearning everything about Kieren – listen to him speak about anything and everything, listen to him laugh, see him smile, watch the way he reacted the closer Rick got, the more he touched and kissed Kieren. Rick had known seeing Kieren again would be hard, but hadn’t known it would be this hard.

His grip tightened carefully on Kieren’s, not wanting to let go of the slender hand that felt almost fragile in his. As they turned and walked towards the stairs, Rick expected Kieren to let go, but Kieren didn’t loosen his grip on Rick, and gently squeezed back. The elation the simple contact brought made Rick feel as if he were about to break down in tears. How could such a small gesture feel so right? He could feel the ghost of sensation where Kieren’s lips had been pressed against his own, and glanced at the young man beside him. Kieren looked pale, his eyes red from tears, and he was biting nervously at his flushed lips. He looked beautiful though, and Rick wondered if it was wrong to feel so possessive and protective towards him. He hesitated, stopping on the step he was on, when Kieren turned and caught him looking.

“What?”

Kieren’s voice was timid; uncertain. Rick nearly gave in to what he wanted, and asked if he could kiss him again, but instead just shook his head. “Nothing, sorry. C’mon – coffee.”

Kieren said nothing in reply, and fell in step with Rick again. As they walked into the café, Rick’s mind started questioning his actions. Had even just one kiss had been okay? Was Kieren with someone? Part of him hoped he was, as he wanted Kieren to be safe and to be loved, but there was a truly selfish part in Rick that hoped he wasn’t. He hated himself for thinking like that.

They placed their orders and Rick paid for both Kieren’s coffee and for his own hot chocolate. As he shoved his wallet back into his pocket, it didn’t escape Rick’s notice that Kieren took his coffee with both hands, leaving Rick with no chance to take his hand again. Rick tried to understand and not let it get to him. He had no right to be hurt at all, but it still stung. Whatever had happened between them, Kieren seemed to want to ignore it and let it fade.

Trying to push his thoughts and feelings aside, Rick held the door open for Kieren as they went back out onto the freezing platform. Despite how warm it had been inside, neither of them seemed to have wanted to stay in the café.

“I was thinking of going down to the river, grabbing a bench?” Rick suggested, as that had been his original plan before they’d met up. “Although it’s kinda cold. We could do something else if you like.”

Kiere looked up at him over the lid of his coffee. It was too hot to drink; Kieren was chewing the plastic. He shook his head, “I’ll be fine.”

Rick had half hoped Kieren would suggest something else, as it wasn’t just Kieren he was thinking about when he considered the temperature. But he decided that he could ignore the discomfort. They made their way out the station, walking side by side in silence. When they reached the pathway by the green next to the station and followed it towards the road, Kieren broke the silence.

“We had snow last year.”

Rick looked around, imagining it. “I heard. Was there a lot?”

“Yeah, we had a snowball fight, built a snowman, that kinda thing. Was nice.”

Rick smiled. He was glad. He’d been stationed in Germany last year, and snow was a given there. It was more a nuisance that novelty, as having to train in the freezing cold and traipse through icy slush – their clothes seemed to take forever to dry – was a pain.

“Maybe it’ll snow again this year,” he offered. It certainly felt cold enough to do so, although Rick knew that it wasn’t below freezing – he was just still far too sensitive to the cold.

He got a low hum of agreement in response, and they fell silent again. Rick tried to find something to focus on in order to still his racing thoughts and distract himself from the sense of foreboding Kieren’s silence was starting to give him, but nothing came. Why was he so silent? Kieren hadn’t seemed unhappy – a little overwhelmed, yes, but definitely not unhappy – to see Rick again, but he’d slowly withdrawn from his initial reaction as if he hadn’t meant to show it. Perhaps there was someone else, or perhaps Kieren hadn’t actually wanted to see Rick again, knowing it would drag up the past he’d managed to leave behind, and had only done so because Rick had asked. But Kieren wasn’t the kind of person who did anything he didn’t want to do. Rick couldn’t work it out.

Approaching the river and passing beneath the Carlisle Bridge, they found an empty bench and sat down, space between them. Rick looked at Kieren, who looked quickly away, biting his lip and chewing at his coffee lid again. Despite the hours Rick had spent thinking about this, about what he would say to Kieren if they ever saw each other again, he couldn’t remember any of the words. He felt suddenly unwanted. He hadn’t even known if Kieren would get in touch, or if he’d turn up at the station once they’d made the arrangement. The fact he had been early… maybe that spoke more about how much seeing Rick again was stressing Kieren out, rather than it being something he had looked forward to and wanted. Because Rick didn’t feel like Kieren was glad he’d come.

“Are you okay with this?” he suddenly asked, “I didn’t mean to–”

“Why did you leave?”

Rick fell silent as Kieren’s words cut across his own. He’d always known on some level he’d have to answer this if he saw Kieren again, and grimaced down at his takeaway cup, thinking of the last night they’d spent together. Even if Kieren had worked out why, he probably still wanted to hear it from Rick.

“I wanted to make it easier on you.”

Kieren snorted humourlessly, muttering down at his coffee. “Easier on yourself, you mean.”

Rick shook his head despondently. Maybe this was why Kieren had met with him – because he was still hurt by Rick leaving, and wanted answers.

“It wasn’t like that, Ren. I really… I just… I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Tell me what? That you didn’t want me anymore?”

“No! Of course not!” That wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all. Fresh pain pierced Rick’s chest. He had never wanted Ren to think that.  “Never that, Ren. Always wanted you, always will.”

Kieren didn’t look up. “So why…?”

“You were moving away, going to college,” Rick tried to explain. “You had a chance at a life away from Roarton – new place, new people. I couldn’t hold you back from that.”

“You could have come with me.”

“I couldn’t have, Ren. We both knew that,” Rick said sadly.

“You could have.”

For a moment Rick wavered, uncertain. Could he have…? He shook his head, knowing the answer was still ‘no’. “My dad would never have let me, Ren. I couldn’t hold you back. I wanted you to move on, to forget about that place.”

“Is that why you never replied to any of my letters?”

Rick frowned, looking round at Kieren. “What? No? I never got any letters, Ren.”

“None?”

Kieren looked up at him now, disbelieving; hurt.

“None. I… I guess I just figured you were pissed at me, or eventually that you had forgotten about me,” Rick confirmed, watching as Kieren’s shoulders slumped even further and he leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees as stared at the coffee clasped in his hands.

“I sent thousands. I never forgot about you, Rick. No matter what, I could never forget about you. I wanted you to be a part of my life.”

“You know I’m not good enough for that.”

Kieren looked up sharply, face creased into a scowl. “Don’t you  _dare_  say that; don’t you dare,” he hissed, a flicker of the determination Rick remembered so well showing through the despondency. “Who are you to decide how good you are for me, or what I want or need? Who the fuck are you, Rick Macy? Who the fuck are you?”

Rick bit his tongue, keeping quiet, head lowering under Kieren’s words. He knew he was no one.

“I loved you,” Kieren said flatly, his voice breaking. The admission made Rick shrink even further in on himself. “I loved you, and you left me.”

There was no venom in Kieren’s voice, just resignation. Rick felt like he deserved every fragment of the pain piercing his heart. He wished he’d been good with words and had known what to say back then to make his leaving easier on Kieren, or to at least try to explain it. Even now, he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to reach out, but didn’t know how to. What good would it do anyway? Perhaps this was Kieren finally bringing things to a close, and Rick’s touch would be unwelcome. It felt painfully like and ending to something that had once brought them both such happiness.

“Do you want me to go?”

This whole thing had been a mistake. Rick’s whole life was a huge mistake, as was nearly everything he’d ever done. He couldn’t bring himself to regret loving Kieren, but he knew that sending that letter had been so, so stupid. It was selfish to have wanted to see Kieren again, and it was selfish of him to have kissed Kieren and taken his hand like that. He had no right. Perhaps walking away now and having nothing to do with Kieren ever again was the best thing he could do.

“Does it matter what I say? You’re going to leave anyway.”

Kieren was right. Even if he didn’t leave right now, Rick couldn’t stay. Somehow, staying had never been an option, no matter how much he wished he could change everything so that it could be.

“What you want matters to me.”

Kieren gave a humourless laugh. “You know what, Rick? Just fuck off. I don’t care anymore. I fucking hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” His voice grew louder, in contradiction to the way he buried his face in his hands, dropping the cup of coffee, the hot liquid splashing over his shoes. “I fucking hate you, I hate you.”

Rick felt sick. He let the words wash over him, tearing him to the core. He deserved it. For what he’d done, he deserved it. He’d hurt the person he cared about most in the world and left him without any explanation. He’d deeply wounded someone who should never be hurt, who should always be cherished and shown love. Because he’d known he couldn’t be the one for him, Rick had left without words. He’d just hoped Kieren would understand. But it was Rick who hadn’t understood.

“I’m sorry. I’ll go,” he barely managed to breath, standing up. He placed his drink next to Kieren, stomach turning at the thought of its sweetness. His eyes stung, and he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, trying to think of something to say. It felt wrong to leave like this, but he didn’t know what else he could do. Hesitating, he crouched in front of Kieren, hoping somehow that he’d be alright. Rick didn’t know how he’d managed to hurt Kieren this much, and hated himself so much for it. He knew he always would. “Ren? Just… be okay?”

Slowly, Kieren raised his head, eyes fixing on Rick’s. He seemed so distant, his lips moving to repeat the words again softly: “I hate you.”

Rick flinched, and had to look away, unable to let the way those words cut into him show. Or maybe that’s what Kieren needed to see. Rick always turned away and hid.

“I hate you,” Kieren repeated, but this time the tone seemed wrong. It was devoid of the anger Rick felt it deserved, and instead there was just pain and resignation. He realised Kieren was crying. Reflexively, Rick looked back up, hand reaching to touch Kieren’s face. He caught himself halfway, hesitating. But Kieren didn’t flinch or pull away, so Rick completed the action, watching as Kieren’s eyes fell closed and fresh tears cascaded

“I hate you,” Kieren sobbed, his body starting to shake. Gloved hands moved to hide his tears, the action pushing Rick’s hand away; unintentionally, he realised.

Rick shifted, moving the takeaway cup and sitting close to Kieren. He put his arm around him, and found Kieren instinctively curling into him, against him. It didn't feel like it mattered who he was in that moment, Kieren just needed comfort and to know he wasn't alone. Arms wrapped around his body as Kieren buried his face in Rick’s neck, tears already dampening Rick’s skin, as he repeated through heavy sobs the only words he seemed to know, even if they weren’t what he wanted to say.

“I hate you so much.”

Rick just held him. It didn’t matter how much he hurt; Kieren was hurting more. The fact Kieren hurt at all made Rick feel like a monster. He didn’t care how long it took, he let Kieren cling to him as tightly as he wanted, and cry as much as he needed to.  Rick’s own eyes stung but he kept blinking back the emotions, trying to focus on Kieren, and Kieren alone. What he felt and wanted for himself didn’t matter.

Eventually, even the shaking breaths subsided, and Kieren was almost completely still in Rick’s arms. He pulled back, looking at Rick with puffy, red eyes.

“I hate you.”

The words were just words. They held no weight; no meaning. They were tired and empty, their weight spilled with the tears drying on Rick’s skin and staining his clothes. Rick nodded though. “Yeah, I deserve that.”

And then Kieren kissed him.

Raw, vulnerable, and far too needy, Kieren’s lips moved against Rick’s with a desperation that belied the mantra he’d been repeating. Rick kissed back, trying to replace the emptiness in Kieren with strength and kindness. He wanted Kieren to know that he was still wanted. He was forgiven, because there was nothing to forgive. Kieren could truly hate him, and Rick would still love him.

Gloved fingers traced over his short hair as Kieren parted his lips, deepening the kiss, demanding more of Rick. Rick could taste the bitterness of the coffee mixed with the salty sweetness of the tears that had spilled onto Kieren's lips as he gave everything Kieren wanted of him. This was something Kieren needed, so he gave it. The way Kieren clung to him and kissed him… Rick knew Kieren thought it would be easier if he hated Rick. He wanted to hate Rick, because anything would be easier than the pain of whatever he still felt towards him.

When Kieren pulled away, one hand still on Rick’s neck while the other grasped at his leather jacket, he whispered the word so quietly Rick almost missed it. A simple request, really, but he felt the weight of it.

“Stay.”

Rick took it as a command, and nodded. They both knew he couldn’t, but perhaps giving what little time he had right now to Kieren would be enough. Tentatively, he moved to kiss Kieren again, and found his lips met halfway. The touch was intended to be little more than chaste; an action to show his willingness, yet Rick didn't want to move away. Making himself pull back, Rick’s fingers traced over Kieren’s cheek, feeling the harshness of his cheekbone, the back of his finger then tracing over the softness of his cheek. They were both cold, he realised.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked.

“My place.”

Rick kissed Kieren’s cheek where his finger had just been, the dry tears salty against his lips. “Okay. Is it far?”

“King Street.”

“You okay to walk?”

Kieren was silent a moment, before nodding, letting go of Rick. “Rick?”

“Hm?”

“Will you actually stay with me?”

“As long as I can,” he promised, “or until you want me gone.”

“And you’re not with anyone?”

“God no!” Rick paused, realising how strong his response had been, and also a little of what the question implied that Kieren wanted. Perhaps it was somewhat pathetic he’d been with anyone else, but to him it was just how things were. No one else was Kieren. He’d not met anyone who came close to what he wanted, and hadn’t even been looking. He was almost afraid to ask the question in response. “What about…?”

“Not since June.”

Rick didn’t like the way it hurt, knowing there had been someone else. He reminded himself that Kieren deserved to be loved though, and to feel safe and wanted.

“Rick?”

He had turned to pick up the now cool hot chocolate, trying to draw warmth from the contents, and looked back, giving Kieren his full attention.

“I don’t hate you.”

He smiled, feeling something inside him he hadn’t realised had hardened soften. “Don’t hate you either, Ren.”

He didn’t hate Kieren. He could never hate Kieren. The idea of doing so was completely alien to him.

A kiss was pressed to his lips as Kieren shifted and stood up, his hand finding Rick’s free one and encouraging him to stand too. Again, Rick was struck by how fragile Kieren seemed. He tightened his grip on Kieren’s hand briefly, trying to reassure him. Perhaps he would get a chance to show Kieren how much he loved him and had missed him, and perhaps that would help fix whatever was hurting the beautiful, broken young man beside him. He wished he knew for certain what to do to help Kieren feel better, but, for now at least, he was determined to be there to give whatever Kieren asked of him.

“Lead on,” he said, offering a smile he didn’t entirely feel. He had no idea where any of this left them, but for some reason he had a chance to try and make things better, and he was determined not to let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***
> 
> Derp.
> 
> I suck at anything other than oneshots, but maybe there'll be more to this. Maybe...
> 
> Thanks, as always, for reading though. I think this one was pretty crap to endure. Well done you! You deserve a cupcake now <3


	2. I needed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***
> 
> Because I have no idea how to reply to the amazing comments left, I just shoved my head in the proverbial sand. Look! Words happened! If you wanted to know what happened... here ya go. If you didn't, eh, just don't bother reading <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to split this chapter in two. I filled parts out with a little more description, but it's mostly as it was originally.
> 
> Reposted 31/08/15

Rick let Kieren lead the way to his flat and set the pace. As they walked, and especially as they climbed the steep streets, he noticed how Kieren slowed and struggled with the effort. He said nothing though, keeping step, and keeping his hand tightly entwined with Kieren’s. King Street was further than he remembered, and when Kieren finally dug out his key and let them into the stairway, his heart sank a little as he found that they had two flights of stairs to climb. He wasn’t tired, but was painfully aware of how drained Kieren seemed. When they finally reaching the flat door, after a painfully slow climb, he let Kieren unlock it and show him in.

“My flatmate Krista’s a law student, so she’s out a lot, or studying,” Kieren explained, flicking on the hallway light and stepping into the flat. His voice still sounded hollow, and he was still trying to catch his breath after the climb. “That’s her room. Living room, kitchen through there, bathroom… and my room.”

Kieren pushed the door open, and Rick was greeted by something that felt strangely familiar, despite how different this place was from Kieren’s room back home. Rick recognised a lot of Kieren’s things, including the pillow covers. The bed was a double, though, so the bedsheets were new. A table in the corner was covered with art supplies and several books, and Kieren led the way over to it, leaving his keys on the edge before taking his hand back from Rick’s. Rick placed the nearly empty takeaway cup by the keys, taking in the items strewn about and also on the floor. A few drawings and paintings were stacked against each other, leaning against the wall, the foremost an incredibly dark landscape. Rick’s eyes lingered on it, guessing it must be part of an assignment – Kieren never did landscapes.

Kieren was shrugging his jacket off, and once free of it, he draped it over the back of the chair at the table, taking off his gloves off next and then bending over to unlace and tug off his shoes. Rick’s eyes lingered on him. The jumper Kieren wore was just a simple dark grey one, and too big for him. It hung off his frame, only hinting at what it hid. Rick moved forward as Kieren kicked off his second shoe, reaching out and sliding his hand around Kieren’s waist, pulling their bodies close, feeling what he feared.

Rick buried his face in Kieren’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent of his soap as he wrapped his other arm around Kieren too, holding him tight as he tried to overcome the urge to scream, or to break down in tears. If Kieren had seemed slender when wearing the parka, it was thanks to the thickness of the jacket. Now, in his arms, Rick felt how painfully thin Kieren was. He had always been slight, but this… he could feel, just as he had seen, how little energy Kieren had, as if something fundamental was missing from him. He’d always known Kieren was unhappy, but he’d hoped that would change when he started his new life, away from Roarton. Yet, Kieren seemed to have carried the ghost of that place with him, as if he couldn’t let it go, and it had been slowly consuming him.

“Take your jacket off,” Kieren said flatly, his hands already pushing at the material. Rick pulled away, keeping his eyes down, looking at Kieren’s washed-out jeans and mismatched socks as he obediently worked with Kieren to pull the garment off. It was put on the chair, and he found Kieren’s cool, slender fingers touching his face, pulling him into a kiss. Kieren pressed willingly against him, but Rick pulled back after just a second, his own hand rising to Kieren’s cheek and gently tracing over the soft, pale skin. He wanted to know if Kieren still wanted this, if he was okay with Rick being here, with him, like this. Kieren met his gaze as evenly, seemingly calm, if not a little detached. Rick felt lost, a mess of thoughts and emotions tearing through him. The words he found himself saying weren’t the ones he’d intended.

“How did you become even more beautiful?”

Kieren’s gaze dropped like lead at Rick’s words, his head trying to follow. Rick’s fingers caught his chin, and he kissed his lips lightly.

“So beautiful,” Rick whispered, pressing a kiss Kieren’s cheekbone, willing Kieren to believe him. He felt the hands now on his shoulders stiffen, as if Kieren wasn’t sure if he should push him away or pull him closer. For an awkward moment they stood like that, Rick letting Kieren decided. He wanted Kieren to pull them together. He wanted the chance to make Kieren feel okay again, to piece him back together and fill the emptiness left behind by those words and tears. He didn’t think Kieren truly hated him, but even if he did, Kieren needed someone right now, had asked Rick to be there. It didn’t matter what he was to Kieren; Kieren needed kind words and comfort, and so badly deserved them. Anything Rick would get from this didn’t matter. He’d give anything to fill the emptiness and erase Kieren’s pain. Whatever Kieren wanted or needed to take from him, he would more than gladly give. Selfishly, he knew it would give him peace of mind, but as long as Kieren got more from it, as long as Kieren could be okay…

And then Kieren pulled him closer, kissing Rick again, his body pressing hard against him. The force as he took a step forward was so slight, but Rick didn’t resist, letting Kieren push him back until they reached the bed, both still standing. His mind was blank, focusing on the touch of Kieren’s lips against his, the way they parted and his tongue sought Rick’s, a slow heat building between them. Slender fingers found the hem of Rick’s top, tracing over his exposed skin lightly for a moment, and the kiss broke, Kieren unzipping Rick’s hoodie and pushing it off before Kieren lifted his arms, letting Rick pull his jumper over his head in return. The garment dropped to the floor and Rick’s eyes traced over Kieren’s body, before his gaze fell on Kieren’s arms, and he froze, his heart breaking anew. His mood instantly deflated, every trace of warmth gone, and he sank down onto the bed, taking Kieren’s arms in his hands and staring in disbelief at the scars and cuts littering the skin. What he was seeing didn’t make sense. His vision went hazy, and he dimly registered tears splintering his vision before sliding silently down his cheeks. Kieren’s arms were limp, unresisting, as he pulled the broken, ruined skin to his lips, gently kissing at the marks over and over, willing them away, and all the pain that had caused them.

“I needed you.”

Kieren’s voice was soft, barely a whisper, yet the words and the full force of the accusation fell on Rick heavier than anything he’d ever felt. He closed his eyes, trying to survive the crushing weight of it. He had failed. He hadn’t been there for Kieren when he’d needed him. Rick had left him, just trusting he would be okay. He stilled, his forehead against Kieren’s inner arm, trying to stop the tears brimming. He felt truly worthless. He might have well have cut Kieren himself, for all the good he’d done in keeping Kieren safe from anyone who would hurt him. Rick realised he was one of those people too – he had hurt Kieren, probably far worse than anyone else had.

Slowly raising his head and opening his eyes again, Rick’s fingers found the bottom or Kieren’s t-shirt, slowly lifting the garment as he stood. He had to know; he had to see the full extent of his failure. Kieren didn’t resist, quietly raising his arms so Rick could lift the thin layer from his body. Dropping the cloth to the floor, Rick’s hands touched the warm skin of Kieren’s stomach, tracing over the barely concealed ribs, taking in Kieren’s thin frame. He had always been slender, but not like this. His hip bones were too prominent, skin pulled too tight over his stomach. It didn’t matter that it could be worse; it tore Rick apart that Kieren was anything less than happy and healthy. He should have been there for him. He had failed.

Words wouldn’t come. He had to apologise. He needed so desperately to, but nothing came. He met Kieren’s gaze, doing nothing to conceal the pain and regret he felt. Still he couldn’t find the words, something closing his throat as he tried. Lost, he leant in and kissed Kieren again, closing the distance between them with a rush after the initial tentativeness during which he expected Kieren to pull away. But he didn’t. Rick didn’t know how anything could erase what he’d done. He hadn’t been there for Kieren. Rick didn’t think there were words that could express the regret and remorse he felt. And he couldn’t stay. Kieren was right – he had leave, no matter how much he wanted to stay.

But he supposed that at least they had this moment, however long it would last. This might be the only chance he got to somehow express how deeply he regretted what he’d done, and to try and show how much he still cared. Rick found his tears drying as his purpose shifted. It didn’t matter how bruised, broken or damaged Kieren was, Rick still loved him. He was still the most beautiful person in the world to him, and right now he had Kieren in his arms, against him, kissing him with an obviously growing need: need to feel close to someone, to feel wanted. Right now, Rick would give Kieren as much warmth, love and care as he possibly could, and perhaps that would be enough to somehow heal a fraction of the pain Kieren felt.

They shifted onto the bed, Kieren leading by pushing Rick. Deft hands made quick work of Rick’s top and his jeans, before reaching into his boxers and the kiss breaking as Kieren focused on teasing Rick to almost painful hardness. Rick felt clumsy as he fumbled with Kieren’s belt, wanting to touch in return. He’d barely managed to unfasten Kieren’s jeans before Kieren pulled away, reaching into the bedside drawer and pulling out a half-empty bottle of lube and, after a few seconds of searching, a condom. The items were discarded as they helped each other tug off their remaining clothes, their bodies becoming a tangle of limbs as they kissed and shifted together, until Kieren was beneath Rick and his hand firmly pressed the lube into Rick’s grasp. Rick took the bottle, kissing Kieren again briefly as he shifted above him. Kieren’s legs parted, his body arching into any touch given, willingly accepting Rick’s touch as he slicked his fingers and pressed them against Kieren’s entrance, feeling almost no resistance. Rick was almost overwhelmed by how incredibly beautiful Kieren was in that moment as he closed his eyes, breathing out deeply and relaxing to accommodate the intrusion. After a few seconds, Kieren shifted impatiently, arching up and kissing Rick, rocking against him, clearly wanting more. Rick added another finger, feeling the hitch in Kieren’s breath and hearing the soft moan as he slowly moved his fingers in and out. He could tell Kieren was impatient from the way he moved, as if he couldn’t get enough of Rick’s touch and was desperate for more, and a moment later an arm fell away and Rick became aware of Kieren opening the condom behind his back. Kieren then reached between them, his hand holding Rick’s cock steady in the tight space as his other unrolled the thin latex, stroking Rick’s length. What he wanted was inescapably clear.

Pulling away and reaching for the lube again, Rick used a more than generous amount, the cool liquid contrasting with the heat he felt as he lined up, one arm resting on the pillow beside Kieren’s head to prop himself up. It took everything Rick had not to completely shatter when he finally pushed slowly into Kieren, breaching the still-tight ring of muscles and sliding easily into the welcoming heat. How had he existed without this? He sank completely into Kieren, his own breathing as laboured as that of the beautiful young man gasping beneath him. He felt the hard flesh of Kieren’s erection trapped beneath their bodies, twitching as Rick slowly rolled his hips, keeping their bodies pressed together. He’d forgotten how good it felt to be with Kieren like this, to be connected, to give as much pleasure as he received, and when Rick had steadied himself enough, he started to slowly built a steady pace, barely able to keep from moaning at the sensation of Kieren’s muscles tight around him as he pulled almost completely out and then pushed back in. He was aware of the way Kieren arched slightly off the bed, pushing at the mattress with his heels, needy. He tugged at Rick, making soft noises as he shifted to meet Rick’s movements, easily communicating the angle and the pace he wanted from Rick.

To Rick, it felt like so much more than sex. He tried to remind himself that this was all it was – he was simply giving what Kieren needed right now, but he loved Kieren, and with every touch, every movement, he tried to show him that, to give him warmth and strength and comfort. He wanted Kieren to feel safe in his arms, to feel loved. He wanted to bring him back from the edge of emptiness, to give him whatever it was Kieren sought in the way he urgently pushed at tugged at Rick, arching desperately into his touch.

When Kieren came, built to breaking point by a torturously slow, steady pace, he cried out unintelligible words, fingers digging into Rick’s shoulders, his body shaking and trembling. Rick held him, safely caged in his arms, finding his own completion as Kieren tightened around him and warmth smeared between their bodies. It felt as if it was over too quickly, and Rick wanted to cling onto the moment and preserve the closeness as he gently pushed Kieren’s slightly damp hair out the way so he could kiss his brow, lips lingering on the warm, pale skin. He hated breaking contact. He hated that Kieren didn’t resist as Rick pulled out and shifted to the edge of the bed, disposing of the condom in a tissue he pulled from the conveniently placed box. The room felt cold, he realised, the air shifting against his skin.

It was then that Kieren touched him again, having sat up. He leant in, kissing Rick and pulling him back down onto the bed, until they’d both managed to work their way beneath the duvet. The kisses were tired, though, and Rick pressed as many to Kieren’s cheeks, eyelids and forehead as he did to his lips. He gently held Kieren to him, until Kieren pulled away and turned in his arms, pressing his back to Rick’s front as he curled up. His hand tugged Rick’s to his chest, and slowly his breathing evened. Unsure if Kieren was falling asleep, Rick didn’t move. He was okay here. He had nowhere to go, nowhere he’d rather be.

_fjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjf_

It didn’t take long before hunger got the better of them. Rick hadn’t quite been dozing, too focused on the warm body pressed against his and what had just happened to sleep. He didn’t think they’d lain there long before his stomach complained loudly at the lack of lunch. Rick grimace as Kieren stirred and then moved, slipping from Rick’s hold and sitting up, apparently having never been asleep. He slid off the bed, quietly gathering his clothes and pulling them on, without looking at Rick. Rick sat too, his eyes fixed on Kieren. Despite how unhealthy he looked, he really was the most beautiful person Rick had ever met. He wished he could say those words again, the ones he’d whispered to Kieren while he slept on that last night they had been together, but Rick doubted they would be welcome. They were too much of a burden to place on Kieren. This wasn’t about Rick and what he wanted, it was about Kieren, and what Rick could give him. Right now, Kieren didn’t even seem to want Rick’s touch. Rick tried not to notice the cold space growing between them.

“I don’t have much in the cupboard,” Kieren admitted. Rick shrugged, finally reaching for his clothes.

“Fancy getting something from Diggles?”

“Uh… I’m not really hungry?”

Rick let it slide, standing as he pulled on his jeans. “Would you mind if I went and got something?”

“I’ll come,” Kieren offered. Rick just shrugged on his hoodie and crossed to pick up his jacket, habitually checking his wallet.

“I don’t mind going on my own,” he assured, thinking back to the walk between the quay and Kieren’s flat.

“No, let me come?”

“Sure,” he agreed, wondering at Kieren’s insistence. He watched as Kieren fetched his keys from where he’d dumped them on the table, pulling on the parka and hiding his thin physique. Rick couldn’t help the frown that creased his brow: didn’t like the way the clothing Kieren wore hid his frailty. He had always been attractive, Rick wished he wore clothes that showed off how beautiful he was, not clothes that hid him away. As he followed Kieren out the bedroom, he remembered some of the things Kieren used to wear when he was younger, and the ‘fuck you, I exist, deal with it’ vibe they exuded. Now, Kieren just seemed to want to blend in, as if he were insignificant, and that…  that was painfully sad, and Rick hated it.

They left the flat, Kieren slowly leading the way down the stairs to the front door. It was then that Rick hesitated. “Ren?”

Kieren paused, his hand on the lock, looking round at Rick, who swallowed thickly, trying to push the words past the sudden nervousness he felt.

“Um, when we’re out there, do you want…”Rick hesitated again, both uncertain about the question and also the wording. He couldn’t ask for what he wanted; this was up to Kieren, and what he wanted. Rick couldn’t hold Kieren’s gaze. “Do you want to hold hands?”

After a long, torturous moment, Kieren gave his soft reply. “Yeah.”

Rick breathed a sigh of relief, finding himself smiling.

“Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not my boyfriend.”

His heart sank, and despite his best effort not to let the pain show, the smile fell from his lips.

“Yeah, I know,” he said thinly, suddenly empty. It would have been nice to pretend, but Kieren’s words closed all possibility of that.

It was Kieren’s turn to hesitate, watching Rick’s reaction. Neither of them moved. It seemed as if there was something else Kieren wanted to say, and he struggled with it, unable to find the words. And then the moment passed, and Kieren moved to open the door, muttering a simple “good.”

The simple word wounded Rick with its finality. Kieren wasn’t even looking, focused on leading the way into the frigid November air. Rick followed him automatically, and as the door snapped shut behind them, they took advantage of a gap in the busy traffic to sprint across the road.

On the other side of the road, Kieren didn’t reach for Rick, instead burying his hands in his pockets. It was cold, so Rick copied the action, trying not to feel hurt at the distance growing between them. Rick couldn’t quite shake the uncomfortable feeling that he’d been used – not that he didn’t deserve it. But it left him with the uneasy impression that Kieren would have done this with whoever had offered, and had done so before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diggles exists, I didn't just make some name up, although it probably sounds like I did...


	3. You'll Always Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 8/12/15
> 
> This is your friendly neighbourhood reminder that this is unbeta'd. All mistakes (there will be many) are my own.

Few words had passed between them since they’d left the flat, and on returning they sat in the living room, on separate seats. Kieren had chosen the single seat, and had pulled his knees up to his chest as he picked at the croissant he’d selected at the café, second coffee of the day carefully placed on the floor. Rick had the two-seater to himself, and held a scalding takeaway cup of soup between his hands, trying to warm them as he waited for the soup to approach a manageable temperature to eat. He’d already finished his own croissant as they walked back, something to stave off the hunger, and was now warming his hands against the cup while waiting for the contents to approach a manageable temperature to eat. Kieren was looking intently at the pastry he was slowly pulling apart, carefully not looking at Rick as he eventually broke the silence.

“You’re always going to leave, aren’t you?”

The tone didn’t come across as accusing, but Rick still felt the weight of the words, and hesitated.

“I can’t stay,” he admitted. “But not because I don’t want to. I meant what I said earlier– I ‘ll stay as long as I can, or until you want me gone.”

Kieren stayed quiet, and Rick noticed that he wasn’t actually putting any of the croissant in his mouth, he was just slowly pulling at it as he stared absently at the floor. Rick glanced nervously down at his own food, before continuing.

“And if… if you wanted…” He couldn’t quite get the words out, unsure of himself for a moment. “I’m going to be stationed at Preston.”

“Preston?” Kieren asked, looking up, clearly taken aback. “So, if I wanted…?”

“Yeah. We could meet up. Weekends and such.”

It wasn’t much of an offer, but at Rick’s words something changed in Kieren’s expression. He seemed almost hopeful, as if thinking it over.

“As something more than friends?”

Rick swallowed thickly, considering the answer carefully. Of course he wanted to be with Kieren – that’s all he’d ever wanted – but he knew he couldn’t always be there for him, and Kieren deserved better than that. But then again, Kieren deserved whatever he wanted. If he wanted Rick, Rick would find a way to make it work until Kieren found someone better and moved on. Maybe knowing he was wanted would do more good than harm right now, so Rick nodded, hoping that his response wouldn’t influence Kieren and make him feel guilty if he didn’t want the same thing in return.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind.”

“And if I said no?”

Rick looked at the floor, shrugging. “Then that’s fine too. Just friends is fine. If you want.”

They were both silent again. If Kieren said no, Rick would respect that, however difficult it might be. He tested the temperature of the soup: still far too hot.

“And how…?” Kieren’s voice trailed off. It took another few, long minutes before he spoke again. Rick listened to the sound of traffic from the road outside, thinking how different it was from the base, and how different it was from Iraq. Briefly, he thought about what it would like to still be out there. He didn’t want that though. It was too hot, too dry and dusty, and far too sunny. He was surrounded by great mates, but he’d missed home. He’d come to realise that when he thought of ‘home’, he hadn’t thought of Roarton; he’d thought of Kieren. That was why he’d sent that stupid letter. Or was it stupid? As broken as things were, without having sent it, Rick wouldn’t know how Kieren was, and Kieren would still be unhappy and alone. Rick didn’t know if he had any friends, or how supportive they were, but whatever Kieren had, it wasn’t enough.

“You’d leave again,” Kieren said flatly, having dropped whatever question he wanted to ask and returning to the issue that clearly plagued him the most. Rick felt a stab of guilt at the resignation he saw in Kieren’s posture.

“I’d come back, as often as you wanted me to” he gently reassured him.

“What if I never wanted you to leave?”

“I have to, Ren.” Rick said, regretting the reality of it. “I have to work. I only have four weeks leave just now.” Rick bit his lip. “But… I could spend it all with you?”

Rick wondered if he’d imagined the flicker of hope he thought he saw resurface in Kieren’s expression, and hoped he’d done the right thing in offering. He didn’t feel like he was worth anything – especially after all the damage he’d done – but he had little else to offer. And if Kieren wanted or needed him, he’d do everything in his power to be there.

“What about your parents?”

Rick thought guiltily of his mother. He knew how much she’d missed him and how hard it had been for her when he joined in the first place, never mind when he was stationed abroad. “I’d like to see them, but I… I want to see you more.”

“And what about when you go back to the army? Would you really want to see me again?”

“Yes.”

Rick hoped that the simplicity of his answer might cut away any doubts Kieren had. There was silence for a moment, and then Kieren’s face fell again, eyes that hadn’t quite managed to rise to meet Rick’s focusing back on the pastry in his hand.

“Are you allowed to be gay in the army?”

Rick frowned at the change in direction. He let the word go. A little more than six months ago, he would have balked at it, adamantly insisting that he wasn’t gay, that he couldn’t be gay. Now, he didn’t care. The only person he’d ever loved was a man. So what if his dad would hate him for it – Rick would hate himself a lot more if he tried to cut out his feelings for Kieren. By the time he joined up two and a half years ago, Rick already knew how he felt, and had tried denying it. It hasn’t worked, but Rick had realised that he wasn’t good enough for Kieren. He was too rooted in Roarton, the very place Kieren needed to escape. So Rick left. He let Kieren get on with his own life, making sure he wasn’t there to hold him back. When he’d joined up, he hadn’t needed to disclose the fact he was in an almost-relationship with a guy. It didn’t matter to anyone.

Rick shrugged, answering the question. “The army doesn’t care.”

“You wouldn’t get kicked out if they found out?”

“No, we’re not Yanks.”

After the tour of duty in Iraq, more than a few people now knew that the photograph Rick kept with him at all times wasn’t just of him and his best mate from back home, and not once had he received any hostility because of it. Rick wasn’t sure if it had made things better or worse that he’d come to talk freely about Kieren. Before, he’d only mentioned him in passing, but in those few months far from home, sharing precious memories of home – even trivial ones, like the time he and Kieren had lubed up the entire contents of Lippy’s pencil case – had kept them all going. It had also made Rick miss Kieren even more.

“What about your dad?”

Rick was confused. “What about him?”

“Would he kick you out, like he said he would?”

“Oh, yeah, probably.”

“Does it bother you?”

Truthfully, yes, it did. It would always hurt that his dad didn’t want what him as he was. “Yeah, but that’s just how it is. I’ve been in the middle of a desert for six months, fighting for not just my country but for someone else's. I’ve been caught in a firefight in the middle of the day and seen two of my best mates get shot – one in the right arm, the other in the head while standing right next to me. One of the guys I was mates with from C company lost his leg in the same explosion that killed two of his mates. I’ve seen and endured too much shit to come home and have my dad judge me for something as stupid as who I love.”

He fell silent, looking at the cup in his hands. Sighing heavily at the outburst, he tried the soup again, this time able to take a small mouthful. He hadn’t meant to say that. Kieren didn’t need to know what had happened out there – no one did. It just pissed him off that, no matter what he did, his dad would always see him as a faggot.

“I’m sorry.”

Kieren’s voice was such a small whisper, making Rick look up sharply. He shouldn’t have said any of that. Kieren looked pale and withdrawn, seeming to have shrunk in on himself. Before even realising he was moving, Rick had set the soup to the side and crossed the distance between the two chairs in an instant. Kneeling on the floor in front of Kieren, he looked up at him, a hand gently wrapping around Kieren’s wrist.

“Hey,” he said firmly, “you’ve nothing to be sorry for.”

“If it weren’t for me…”

“Then the world would be an even shittier place to live in.” He let his tone soften, trying to get Kieren to meet his eye. “I wouldn’t want anything to do with a world where you didn’t exist, Ren.”

For the briefest of moments, Kieren managed to look at him, before turning away.

“How can you say that, when you left?”

“Because it’s still true. I left because I didn’t want you to be stuck in Roarton because of me, not because I didn’t care about you.”

“How can you say that!? I wanted you to come with me! I needed you, Rick. I fucking needed you.”

Kieren teetered on the verge of tears, now looking directly at Rick. He remembered those same words from earlier – I needed you – and the knowledge of what was beneath where he held Kieren’s arm made his skin burn. Needed. Past tense. He hadn’t been there for Kieren, when he should have been, somehow. He couldn’t undo the past, no matter how much he wished he could. Right now, though…

Rick dared to voice probably the most terrifying thing he’d ever asked.

“Do you still need me?”

Kieren opened, then closed his mouth, the sound seeming to stick in his throat as if he couldn’t quite decide the answer, or bring himself to say it. His eyes closed, tears spilling down his cheeks as he shook his head firmly, lips pulling in a tight, unhappy line. The breath was crushed from Rick under the weight of rejection, and slowly, he pulled his hand back, watching Kieren curl in on himself under the unhappiness he was feeling. Just as Rick’s fingers slipped from Kieren’s hand, his ears were filled with the loudest, most broken whisper he’d ever heard.

“Yes.”

Yes.

With that one word, everything seemed to fall apart. Rick had the presence of mind to take the food from Kieren’s hand, setting it on the armrest, as Kieren broke down in open sobs. He moved upwards, catching Kieren in his arms, and holding himself awkwardly as Kieren all but fell against him, sliding from the chair and onto the floor next to Rick. He pulled Kieren into his lap, letting him bury his face in Rick’s neck. Unlike earlier, there was nothing holding Kieren back, and he broke against Rick, his whole body shaking with the misery trying to find voice, trying to find a way out. Rick just held him, eyes clenched shut and his heart breaking at the seer immensity of pain spilling from Kieren. He held him close, arms around his fragile, trembling body, trying to give him the safety and security he needed to completely let go of everything he’d been feeling. Fingers gently stroked Kieren’s hair, and he softly kissed the side of his head.

“It’s okay, Ren, I’m here. I’m here for you.” His words made Kieren cry even harder, fingers clawing into Rick through his clothing. He repeated the words softly, making the promise inescapably clear: “I’m here for you.”

Rick wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, Kieren breaking apart and Rick holding him, giving gentle touches and soft words. Eventually, Kieren calmed, and Rick held him until he wasn’t crying any more, until he was still, his body only occasionally shuddering with a dry hiccough. It was uncomfortable on the floor, and Rick’s leg had gone dead, his shoulder and neck were damp, and by now his soup would have gone cold, but none of that mattered. He stroked Kieren’s hair softly again, fingers playing with the length of it. All that mattered was Kieren, and that he would be okay. If it wasn’t for the involuntary shudders, Kieren was so still he could have been asleep.

“Will you really stay?”

When he eventually broke the silence, Kieren’s voice was little more than a whisper, but Rick melted at the sound of it. It wasn’t hollow and dry and empty as it had been before, nor was it torn with painful emotions; it was raw, yes, but tender, and maybe even hopeful. Rick stroked the side of Kieren’s face, kissing him gently when Kieren lifted his head from where it had rested against Rick’s collarbone.

“Of course.”

“You won’t leave?” Kieren was looking down self-consciously, biting his lip, his words punctuated by an involuntary sharp intake of breath. His face was blotchy from crying and where he had pressed himself against Rick, and his eyes and lips red and puffy, but he still looked so beautiful.

“No, not unless you want me to.”

“And what if I never want you to?”

“Then I’ll never leave.”

Rick wished it was as simple to do as it was to say. Of course he had to go. He had a job. He couldn’t be there every moment Kieren wanted or needed him, no matter how much he wanted to be. They both knew that, but right now he told Kieren what he needed to hear. Rick would come back as many times as Kieren wanted him to – they had that, at least, and the four weeks leave he had.

Kieren pulled himself closer to Rick again, burying his head against the wet fabric of Rick’s hoodie, his arms frighteningly weak at the effort. Rick tightened his arms around Kieren instinctively, shifting their bodies to try and regain some feeling in his leg.

“You okay?” Kieren asked – the first time he’d indicated any consideration towards Rick. Rick didn’t miss the significance of it, and the way it showed that Kieren wasn’t trying to push him away any more. He wasn’t putting up such a fierce barrier, he was reaching out to Rick; caring.

“Leg’s dead.”

“Sorry,” Kieren mumbled, shifting. Rick didn’t want him to go, but couldn’t quite think of a reason to stop him. Kieren sat down, his back against the base of the single seat. His hand found Rick’s, and he threaded their fingers together. Rick instinctively moved next to him and sat with Kieren, leaning carefully against him. He tried to ignore the pain as the blood and sensation returned to his leg. It was easy to do, if he focused on Kieren’s hand in his and the bony shoulder against his bicep as Kieren leant his head on Rick’s shoulder. He let go of Kieren’s hand, wrapping his arms around his thin frame instead.

“Missed you, Ren.”

He couldn’t judge the reaction to his words, as Kieren stayed silent, unmoving. After several moments, Kieren broke the silence.

“I slept with people.”

Rick had no idea where it had come from, and the sudden admission hurt. It stung. Rick reminded himself he had no right to feel that, though. If Kieren wanted to tell him what he’d thought, what he’d felt or what he’d done, Rick wasn’t going to stop him, just as if Kieren didn’t want to share anything, he wouldn’t pry. It wasn’t he business. It wasn’t his place to judge, only to accept Kieren as he was.

The matter-of-fact way Kieren blurted it out caught him off guard, though, and it took him a moment to say anything in reply. “That’s okay,” he managed, briefly squeezing Kieren tighter.

“A lot of people. I lost count.”

Rick’s heart constricted, and he closed his eyes against the unwanted information, wishing he could shut it out, save himself from the pain he deserved. He pressed a kiss to Kieren’s hair, making himself speak, despite what he was feeling. “That’s really okay, Ren.”

“I thought it would make the pain go away. I thought it would make me miss you less.”

Again, Rick tightened his arms around Kieren, trying to lessen his own pain, as well as Kieren’s. He should have slept with people who made him happy, who he wanted to be with and who wanted to be with him. He shouldn’t have been with anyone because he was trying to forget how Rick made him feel. That wasn’t what Rick had wanted for him. The more he learnt, the more he realised just how responsible he was for how broken Kieren was.

“You don’t have to miss me anymore,” he promised, kissing Kieren’s brow, only to have him pull away.

“How can you touch me?”

His voice was quiet again, tears seeming to threaten once more as he sat up, away from Rick’s hold, wrapping his arms around himself, hunched forward. Rick ran his hand over Kieren’s back.

“Because I miss you. I want to help you feel better.”

“I feel dirty.”

His leg no longer hurting, Rick leant forward, level with Kieren. He gave the simplest suggestion. “Then take a shower.”

Rick could never think Kieren was filthy, stained or unclean, no matter what he did. He hated the thought of him being with anyone else, but Kieren hadn’t been his. Kieren hadn’t cheated on him. He wasn’t any less of a person for what he’d done, yet Rick wasn’t sure his words would make Kieren feel any better. Taking a shower might seem like a stupid suggestion, but the literal act of washing could help with figurative dirt. The simple pleasure of a shower was an invaluable luxury Rick always found helped him leave the past behind, and if that’s what would help Kieren…

When Kieren looked at him, Rick managed to give him a small, reassuring smile. Kieren didn’t seem to quite be able to return it, as if unsure if Rick was being serious or not, but he tried, the corners of his mouth lifting an almost imperceptible fraction.

“Okay.”

Relieved he’d accepted his suggestion, Rick gave Kieren a brief kiss.

“Join me?” Kieren asked, sounding uncertain. Rick’s heart skipped a beat at the request, although he knew not to read into it.

“Okay.”

Kieren bit his lip, nodding at Rick’s reply. His fingers spidered across the floor, eyes watching them, as he lightly tugged on the fabric of Rick’s jeans.

“How many people did you sleep with?”

Rick’s heart sank. He’d hoped Kieren wouldn’t ask him, not yet anyway. He couldn’t lie, but wished there was some way out of answering. What he said, right now, would probably make Kieren feel worse.

“None.”

Kieren kept playing with the pinch of fabric between his fingers, giving nothing away. His voice was carefully flat. “None? Not even… not even just one?”

“No. Spent most of my free time drinking.”

“Why?”

The question wasn’t about his drinking habits. He knew that, and wasn’t cheap enough to give Kieren the answer to a question he hadn’t asked.

“They weren’t you.”

Kieren’s fingers stopped moving, and he let go.

“So why did you leave if I was what you wanted?”

“I didn’t want to hold you back, Kieren. Thought you deserved a clean break. Didn’t realise how much you needed me.”

“Would you have stayed if you’d known?”

Rick thought back to how it was then – the pressure he’d been under from his dad, how miserable he had been when he realised he had to let Kieren go because Rick was a part of the place that Kieren had to leave behind. All that had mattered was giving Kieren the chance to start again – to have a future – and Rick had thought he couldn’t be part of that. He hadn’t seen a way that it could work. If he’d know that there was a chance…

“Yeah, I would have.”

Kieren was quiet again, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he finally said, looking at Rick.

“Pretty much,” Rick agreed, grimacing at his own mistakes.

“But… my idiot?”

His heart skipped a beat, and he immediately tried to quell the rising feeling the Kieren’s words gave life to. It was just a statement, really. It wasn’t a question or a suggestion. It was just confirming what had always been true.

“Yeah, yours.”

Within the blink of an eye, Kieren had closed the distance between them, pressing a chaste kiss to Rick’s mouth, overbalancing and ending up pushing too hard against him. Caught off guard, Rick let out a muted cry of surprise, his hands flying up to catch Kieren. Adjusting the pressure, they managed a proper kiss, before Kieren pulled away again, licking then biting his lower lip.

“I’m trusting you.”

“I know,” Rick replied softly. His leaving had hurt Kieren beyond belief. To have even agreed to meet Rick, and to actually have turned up… after what Rick had done to Kieren, that was a huge step, and Rick was so immensely grateful Kieren had taken it. Kieren wasn’t as frail and weak as he seemed – there was an incredible resilience and determination about him that Rick had always loved. To see how close it had come to being extinguished… He promised himself he would never let that happen ever again – not on his watch.

“I can’t go through that again.”

Pushing at a strand of hair long enough to be tucked behind Kieren’s ear, Rick kissed him lightly. “You won’t, I promise.”

Kieren kissed him back, and for a moment they stayed like that, sitting on the floor leaning towards each other kissing gently, Rick’s hand resting in Kieren’s hair while Kieren’s were wrapped around his own knees. Kieren pulled back first.

“Shower with me?”

Rick smiled, the first time he’d definitely felt the pull of happiness lighting up his expression in far, far too long. “Yeah.”

He chased after one last kiss, before letting Kieren stand up. Rick joined him, but not before taking a mouthful of now cold soup. Kieren waited for him, hand slipping into Rick’s as he led the way out of the living room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *original note*
> 
> To everyone who has read this in the last few days I've been posting it - thank you so much.  
> It's not a cupcake (and _please_ don't take/repost!) but for now, I guess [this](https://38.media.tumblr.com/02262f5d8dc8349217c1a304f2bee3a5/tumblr_n95aftcLdv1tftie8o4_250.gif) is a small way of saying thanks to anyone who might like it? Also appropriate gpoy (is that the acronym?)  
>  And yeah, if anyone knows me and how much I love David and how possessive I am of my gifstash... yeah... that ^ is monumental. I really should share stuff like that more, but I only really want to do so with nice people. Like you. You read all this shyte. I love you <3


	4. Reclaiming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 08/12/15
> 
> Sorry to furious-winter that this doesn't end on a, uhm, hangover (I need to sleep, shh). It would have been too long to reach the next natural break in the fic though, so here this is... whatever it is...
> 
> I've not edited much.

The flat was much nicer than Rick expected a student place to be – not only was it tidy, but it was relatively spacious and modern. The same applied to the bathroom, although it had a showerhead and plastic screen over the bath, rather than a small cubicle shower. Kieren pulled down two towels, draping them over a heated towel rail. He turned the shower on, before turning to Rick and starting to undress him, letting Rick do the same in turn. He let Kieren step into the hot, powerful spray first, watching him, taking in the sight of him. He was far too skinny, but still so incredibly beautiful. It occurred to Rick as he watched the water cascading over Kieren’s pale skin that they’d never taken a shower together before. They’d seen each other naked plenty of times when they were younger, and barely more than two hours ago they’d slept together, but Rick still moved forward, wanting to touch Kieren: to relearn the contours of his body, to memorise how he felt in his arms. Slowly wrapping his arms around Kieren, he sighed softly, feeling the way they pressed together. His own body was lean lines and muscle, toned and strong where Kieren was diminished and weak. Kieren didn’t quite fit so well in his arms any more – both had changed physically, and that was hard for Rick to come to terms with. The way Kieren had always fit so perfectly in Rick’s arms had been one of his favourite memories, but now he was so much skinnier: he was too slight, too thin, too faded. As his hands traced over Kieren’s sides, Rick felt the curve from his waist to hips, pronounced in the way he expected a woman would feel.

Rick hated himself for the way he felt himself harden.

His lips found Kieren’s neck, and he kissed the skin that had always been so sensitive, apologising for something Kieren wouldn’t understand. How could he be such a monster? He loved Kieren. He would always love Kieren, but he had done this to him. Each cut on his arms, every lost ounce of weight, Rick should have been there to prevent. And here he was, now, physically attracted to a malnourished body he knew he should be repulsed by. But he couldn’t extract the unhealthy, scarred body from what he felt about Kieren. It was part of Kieren. It shouldn’t be, but it was, and Rick warred with himself, fighting against the feelings surging within him. He still loved Kieren - more than anything - but felt like a monster for not only what he’d done, but what he wanted to do.

Kieren’s hand snaked between them, wrapping around Rick’s cock, and his breath hitched at the unexpected contact, all thoughts scattering.

“Make me forget everyone else,” Kieren pleaded, hand twisting gently as he moved his fist over Rick’s still swelling erection. Acting on instinct, Rick did as Kieren asked, arms curling around Kieren’s body, holding him close as he kissed him with parted lips, tasting him. Pushing so that, when he pulled away, Kieren’s chest caught the spray from the shower, Rick’s hand traced over his skin, lightly calloused fingers tracing over soft, pale flesh, circling and then lightly pinching the delicate pink bud of Kieren’s nipple. He repeated the action, before teasing the other, then letting his hand follow the flow of water down over the taut skin of Kieren’s stomach, tracing over surprisingly soft curls and wrapping around Kieren’s cock. With the slightest movement of his closed fist, Kieren was arching into him, moaning, fingers on Rick’s shoulders pressing in as strongly as Kieren could manage, his other hand tightening on Rick’s cock. Rick caught his parted lips in another kiss, his head beneath the water, forcing him to pull back after a few seconds.

“Turn around,” he instructed. Kieren did as he was told, letting go of Rick and using his hands to brace himself against the wall, the showerhead spilling water between his shoulderblades. Rick’s arms wrapped around him, pulling his body close to Kieren’s as one hand found and teased his nipple, the other wrapping around his cock again, stroking slowly at first as he took time to remember the feel of this; of Kieren in his arms, willingly letting Rick touch and learn his body. Kieren gasped softly, small moans escaping as Rick built up a slow rhythm, and then bucked into his hand, the way he pressed back against Rick’s own hard length making it difficult for Rick to ignore how much he wanted this too, how much he was turned on by the beautiful man in his arms. Kieren had always come undone so quickly under his touch, and nothing seemed to have changed. Rick felt the way Kieren was already falling apart. As his lips and tongue teased Kieren’s neck, he pinched at a nipple softly, supporting Kieren when he pushed off the wall, arching against Rick and raising an arm to try and twist his fingers into Rick’s hair – hair that had been so much shorter since he’d joined the army. Not put off, Kieren just held Rick’s mouth to his neck instead, his moans louder, echoing off the tiled walls as he gave himself over to Rick completely, simply reacting to every touch Rick lavished on him. His other hand grasped at Rick’s thigh, using it as an anchor as he tried to shift his hips, caught between grinding against Rick’s cock and thrusting into Rick’s hand. Rick made sure his hand won, tightening the grip between his top two fingers and thumb, stroking Kieren’s cock the way he preferred. The grip never felt as good when he tried it on himself, but he’d still practiced it. Getting off, he often remembered the way Kieren liked it, and sometimes did it to himself, just to pretend it wasn’t himself he was touching, even if the fantasy didn’t always work. Now, though, it felt right. It felt natural. This part of Kieren seemed so much the same, as did his neck, which was still as sensitive to every kiss Rick gave as it always had been.

He felt the tell-tale change in Kieren’s body, and gently sucked at his neck, the hot water adding to the wetness between the skin and his tongue. As Kieren came, Rick stroked him through the orgasm, an arm around Kieren’s chest holding him firmly and stopping him from falling forward as he trembled and shook, gasping through his release. Gently easing his hold, Rick peppered Kieren’s skin with kisses, gently turning him so he could kiss Kieren properly, deeply. He didn’t object when Kieren’s hand weakly found Rick’s cock again, although he knew it wasn’t going to happen. This was about Kieren - about making him feel like the most loved, most wanted, most beautiful person in the world. Pulling back, Rick looked for the soap, taking the bar in his hands when he found it. Kieren didn’t resist as Rick’s hands traced the soap across his skin, pulling him out the water long enough to clean his back, arms, chest, stomach, still trembling limbs pliant and cooperative. As Rick’s hands made their way perfunctorily to Kieren’s cock, he found Kieren’s fragile grip on his wrist, stopping him. Wordlessly, Kieren took the soap. Rick’s eyes widened as he realised what Kieren was doing from the way his hand disappeared behind his back and his eyes flickering shut, lips falling open as he gasped softly.

“Can we go to bed after this?” Kieren asked, eyes only half opening as he looked at Rick pleadingly. Rick just nodded, speechless. He knew Kieren was probably playing him, knowing exactly what to do to tease Rick and get him to agree. He didn’t have to do that. Rick wanted Kieren no matter what. He just couldn’t believe how quickly Kieren had changed from post-cum placidity to doing something so… sexy…

Not wanting to spend any longer in the shower than he had to, Rick shoved his thoughts aside as best he could and reached for a shampoo bottle. Kieren’s voice stopped him. “Krista’s.”

Rick tried again, taking the shampoo bottle next to it and squeezing the clear fruity-smelling liquid into his palm, quickly rubbing it into his hair. It smelled like Kieren did – Kieren who was smirking at him as he slipped his fingers from himself and finishing soaping and rinsing himself down. They swapped places, the shampoo running down Rick’s body slicking their skin as Kieren deliberately pressed against Rick, brushing against his still-hard cock. Rick just closed his eyes, trying not to react. He took the soap from Kieren, and focused on finishing the functional task of showering as quickly as possible, before pulling Kieren against him and letting the water run over both their bodies, washing away shampoo and soap. He kissed Kieren’s neck again, arms tight around his slender frame.

“Done?” he asked, letting his lips trail higher, kissing along Kieren’s cheekbone, capturing his lips in another kiss. Kieren seemed to melt against him, letting Rick shower him with kisses, before he replied.

“Yeah…”

Half-turning, Kieren shut off the water, but Rick didn’t let him go immediately, holding him just that little bit longer. Eventually moving away, he tugged the towels from the rail and draped one around Kieren’s shoulder first, before holding his own to his chest as he stepped out the shower. Kieren joined him, already scrubbing himself dry. Ignoring his clothes, Kieren went to unlock the door, opening it before Rick’s skin was completely dry. The droplets still left became apparent at the change in temperature, and he tried to hide the shiver, wondering how long it would take for him to adjust back to British temperatures. Scrubbing his hair, Rick followed Kieren along the corridor, suddenly wondering what would happen if Kieren’s flatmate came home early. He quickened his step and lowered the towel to cover himself somewhat respectably.

In the bedroom, Kieren put his towel down over the sheet and pillow, pushing the duvet entirely to the side and crawling onto the bed. Flopping on his back, he made it clear he wanted Rick to join him, and when Rick did, dropping the towel unceremoniously on the floor, the duvet was pulled over both their bodies, leaving them curled next to each other, damp skin pressing together in those few moments it took for the space around them to heat up. Rick kissed Kieren again as he lay on his side next to him, his hand ran over Kieren’s unhealthily skinny body, trying not to think of how he’d changed that way. Thin, slender fingers rested on his bicep, lightly pressing into his skin as Rick’s hand traced over Kieren’s stomach, over his torso, and down the side of his chest. Without seeing, he built a map of Kieren’s body, of how the buds of his nipples were puckered against the chill still lingering in his skin, of the way his ribs felt, of the soft trail of hair that led down from his navel. All the while kissing, tongue now tasting and teasing Kieren, trying to relearn every detail of the way he kissed, Rick found his hand stopped by Kieren’s when he made to slip his fingers lower. Reluctantly pulling apart, he looked for an answer in Kieren’s expression. He looked… blissful. His eyes slowly opened, and when he looked at Rick, his gaze was soft; open and showing a vulnerability there that just made Rick want every part of him even more. He wanted to pull Kieren tight into his arms, to melt against him, giving every ounce of happiness and strength and love he could possibly give.

Rick’s hand was left on Kieren’s chest as Kieren reached under the pillow, pulling out the lube from earlier. Squeezing a generous amount onto his own fingers, Kieren pushed the bottle into Rick’s hand, kissing him lightly. Rick hesitated, confused, as Kieren’s fingers slipped down his own body.

“Condom?”

Kieren bit his lip, arching slightly at what he was doing to himself. He turned his head towards Rick, shaking it. “No,” he said softly.

Rick didn’t know what the refusal meant, and just looked at him.

“I mean…” Kieren hesitated, his body stilling as he pulled his fingers from himself. He looked down nervously. “I want you inside of me.”

It took barely a moment for the meaning to register, and Rick’s cock instantly twitched at the idea of it, his heart constricting. Reason, though, made him hesitate.

“We shouldn’t, Ren.”

Devastatingly beautiful brown eyes looked up at him, and he nearly dropped all resistance to the request right there and then.

“Please? I’m clean. I promise,” Kieren said softly.

Rick believed him. He knew it was stupid to trust anyone who was naked in a bed, wanting sex, but Kieren wasn’t just anyone. Whatever they were doing, it was being built on trust. Kieren was trusting Rick and giving him another chance. It wouldn’t be fair and would be unbelievably hurtful if Rick just turned around and said he didn’t trust Kieren in return.

“Okay.” He stated simply, taking a moment to be ashamed at how quickly he gave in. Kieren’s eyes slid closed and he whimpered softly at the response, a strange noise of relief and need. His hand found Rick’s, and curled Rick’s fingers around the bottle of lube.

“I don’t need much.”

Despite Kieren’s insistence, Rick covered his hand in a generous amount, rubbing the quickly warming liquid onto his now achingly hard cock. They’d done this in the past, but more often than not they’d preferred the ease of using a condom, often meeting where they couldn’t properly clean up afterwards. Something about this, now, though seemed to be about reclaiming. Rick didn’t know what, but Kieren wanted Rick: he wanted him completely and absolutely, and Rick wanted the same.

Propping himself above Kieren and pushing off the duvet so he could see what he was doing, Rick positioned himself against Kieren, pushing forward with steady pressure and finding Kieren giving way to him easily. They both gasped loudly, Rick barely able to hold his own weight as he slowly pushed into Kieren’s torturously welcoming body. When he was completely in, he let out a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding, already panting under the sensation of tight muscles around his cock. Pulling almost entirely out, he repeated the slow action, biting his lip. Kieren was completely relaxed beneath him, head thrown back, lips parted as he moaned and sighed. He was beyond beautiful. He was perfect. Building up a slowl, steady rhythm, Rick knew when he’d hit the right spot, when Kieren cried out, curling up off the bed, eyes wide. Rick gently stroked the side of his face, repeating the action, sending another shudder through Kieren’s body. His hand traced lower, wrapping around Kieren’s leaking cock, moving in time with his thrusts. He stopped after a minute, though, panting heavily.

“Fuck.”

“Rick?”

He groaned in frustration, giving an experimental slow roll of his hips, before stopping abruptly, burying his head against Kieren’s neck. “Too close.”

Kieren’s hands stroked over his back, muscles tightening teasingly around Rick’s cock. “Don’t mind.”

Despite Kieren’s words, Rick just kissed his neck, counting backwards from thirty in his head, making it to twelve before deciding the feeling had subsided enough. Propping himself up on his elbow and with his free hand wrapped around Kieren’s cock again in the tight space between their bodies, he tried to push Kieren closer to the edge. There was no way he was going to last much longer at all, and the way Kieren was arching into him, pushing himself against Rick, was undoing him even faster. And then Kieren changed again, curling his chest towards Rick. In the space it created, he pushed Rick’s hand away, taking over the action, and his parted lips messily met with Rick’s, the kisses open-mouthed and more breath than touch. Rick didn’t care. Kieren was gasping and panting with every shift of Rick’s hips, telling him he was hitting that spot again. He felt the way Kieren clenched around him, and they were both far too close to care about trying to forestall the inevitable. Rick didn’t have the strength to stop again. This time, he gave in to sensation tightening within him. He let it claim him, tearing through his body, wave after wave, as he spilled himself into Kieren, who arched up even further against him, fingers pressing fiercely into Rick’s arm.

Coming down from his high, Rick was aware of the fact that he was shaking, still buried in Kieren, who trembled and moaned under him. Rick could feel the way Kieren’s muscles contracted with decreasing rhythm around his oversensitive cock, and the splash of warm cum that had caught his stomach. Slowly slipping out, he was aware that the wetness on his cock was his own cum, as well as lube. No longer needing to hold himself above Kieren, Rick let his weight rest on the slight body beneath him, half on, half off Kieren so he didn’t entirely crush him. He didn’t care about the mess on Kieren’s stomach, now smeared over part of his.

Regaining their breath, Kieren pulled the duvet back over them, rolling on his side to face Rick and also try and stop the duvet cover touching the wetness on his skin. Rick gave a soft smile, his fingers finding the mess and tracing through it.

“Not got tissues?”

“Far away,” came the unhelpful reply. Kieren’s eyes were closed, and he was almost smiling, a relaxed look across his features as he sighed contentedly. He nearly said it – in that moment, Rick nearly voiced those three little words. He pushed them aside, though, focusing on more immediate practical matters.

“Would it be gross if I used my mouth?”

“Hm, kinda,” Kieren mumbled, seeming almost asleep. Rick hesitated a second, his finger stilling in the absentminded path it had been tracing on Kieren’s stomach. He wouldn’t mind using his mouth, but if Kieren was hesitant towards the idea, he decided to just leave it. Instead, he leant over the edge of the bed, grabbing the towel he’d dropped. It would do. Kieren grumbled as Rick gently cleaned his skin, but enthusiastically curled against him when Rick was done and chucked the towel away in favour of wrapping his arms around Kieren. Kieren felt warm; alive. Rick pressed a kiss to his shoulder, the words constricting his throat again. He searched for something to say in their stead – anything to express even a fraction of how he felt. Nothing came, though, and he realised it didn’t matter – Kieren had fallen asleep.

“Never gonna leave you,” Rick whispered, softly kissing Kieren’s cheek and closing his own eyes, knowing that, this time, he was going to give absolutely everything he had to keep his promise.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***  
> Right! Off to the bonfire night fireworks display! I'll try and get myself to write more when I get back. I don't like leaving it at a point like this - I'd rather leave it at a more 'finished' point, just in case I never update, but seeing as I haven't posted for a few days, I wanted to do something...


	5. That Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 27/12/15

Rick woke abruptly, for a moment confused by his surroundings. Forcing himself not to jerk upright, he realised it was hunger that had woken him. From the low angle of the sun he knew that it was later in the afternoon. Kieren was still sleeping peacefully next to him, and after confirming where he was and exhaling, trying to calm his racing pulse, Rick focused his attention on the beautiful young man curled around him. It was still strange to wake somewhere absent danger, and stranger still to wake entangled with someone. The week of down-time had worked well enough as a transition, but Rick guessed he needed a few more nights to learn he didn’t have to wake fully alert. He could relax, match his breathing to the slow, deep rhythm of the man sleeping at his side, and just watch him sleep.

He was still hungry, though, and after a few minutes he realised he couldn’t ignore it. Reluctantly, he slowly pulled his arm from under Kieren, stilling for a moment as he checked to make sure he was still asleep, and slipped out from underneath the duvet. His clothes were still in the bathroom, and with the cleaner of the two towels under Kieren’s head, Rick had no choice but to use the one from the floor. He could risk traversing the corridor naked, but not knowing when Kieren’s flatmate would be back, he decided it was safer to wrap the towel around his waist. He slipped from the room as quietly as he could.

They’d left the bathroom light on, and after quickly redressing, Rick washed his hands, then picked up and loosely folded Kieren’s clothes, making sure to turn the light off when he left. He hesitated in the hallway, uncertain as to whether he should return Kieren’s clothes, or wait. Not wanting to risk waking him, he decided to wait. He wouldn’t be long anyway. Back in the living room, his stone-cold soup was where he’d left it, and Rick drank it down as quickly as he could, the cold making him feel as if his core temperature had dropped a few degrees. It didn’t matter though. Food was food. Looking at the display on the DVD player, he saw it was coming up for five. No wonder he was hungry. Perhaps Kieren would like the idea of a takeaway – a pizza or something – for tea. He’d had perhaps a bite of the croissant from earlier – which still sat on the armrest. Rick frowned to himself, his thoughts on how skinny Kieren was. It hurt, and it had to be physically hurting Kieren too. There was no way being that weight was healthy. Rick wanted to see him eat, to know that he was okay, but he honestly had no idea how to bring the subject up or go about helping him.

The kitchen was tidy; linoleum floor, granite-effect plastic surfaces, white fitted cupboards and a large, American-style fridge/freezer unit. Rick hadn’t been in a student flat before, but he was sure they were supposed to look much worse than this. Thankfully, there were some plates and cups on the drying rack, so he didn’t have to rummage for something to drink from. Placing Kieren’s clothes on the counter, Rick downed two lots of water, before rinsing the cup and refilling it. He figured Kieren might want something other than the cold coffee he had sitting on the floor next to the seat in the living room, and with that thought, he made his way back through to the bedroom.

His heart sank as he pushed the door open. Kieren was awake, sitting up with the duvet pooled around his waist despite the fact it was getting cold, and staring listlessly at a spot on the covers. He didn’t look up at Rick, seemingly having not heard the door open.

“Ren?”

His head jerked up, eyes focusing on Rick, lost for a second.

“You’re here?”

Rick frowned slightly, moving into the room and putting the cup down on the table, his eyes never leaving Kieren.

“Of course.”

“I thought…” Kieren’s eyes dropped to his lap. Rick noticed he was shivering slightly. “I thought you’d left.”

Sighing sadly, Rick moved over to the bed, free hand reaching out and smoothing over the cold skin of Kieren’s shoulder as he sat down, bending down to place Kieren’s clothes carefully on the floor. As he straightened, he pulled his hand back, grabbing at the edge of the duvet. “Shift up.”

Kieren did as asked, making room for Rick to slide underneath the covers. As he put his arms around Kieren, pulling him against his chest in the hope of sharing warmth and comfort, Kieren slowly responded, wrapping his arms around Rick without much strength. Rick kissed his temple, his lips lingering on the soft skin, stray strands of hair caught beneath his lips and tickling his cheek. Bringing a hand to brush over the unruly hair and try and get it to lie flat, he pulled back, looking at Kieren’s pale expression.

“I’m not gonna leave you, Ren. I promise.” He stroked Kieren’s hair again, giving a small smile at the way it refused to stay put, tracing his hand down the side of Kieren’s face and gently tilting his chin up so he could kiss him. Kieren warmed to the touch, taking a few seconds before he parted his lips and kissed back, pressing his body against Rick’s and tightening his arms around him. Rick gave a soft murmur of approval, lost in the sensation of Kieren’s lips against his. Why would he leave? The way he felt when Kieren kissed him was reason enough to stay, for as long as Kieren would have him.

Kieren’s hands found their way underneath Rick’s shirt, tracing over his toned stomach and then up over his back as he hooked his leg over Rick’s, pressing their bodies close together. His hips shifted, grinding against the fabric of Rick’s jeans and causing his attention to shift to his cock, which twitched at the teasing thought of just how naked and warm Kieren was, so close yet separated from him by his clothes.

“Fuck me again?”

Rick bit back a low moan, the request so softly breathed against his lips it was felt as much as heard. He barely nodded, shifting as he did so to pull his clothes off and finding Kieren helping him in pushing at his hoodie and tugging off his tshirt. As he unbuttoned his jeans, Kieren was already pushing at the waistband. He wondered at the urgency of it, how Kieren seemed so desperate for his touch, but Rick wanted it too; he wanted Kieren – absolutely everything about him – so he pushed his thoughts aside and simply reacted to the body pressing against his. Kieren tugged at him, and he followed the motion, rolling on top of him. Arms hooked under his shoulders, Rick ground their hips together, his cock rubbing against Kieren’s in a way that felt far too good for such a simple action. As they both gasped at the sensation, but after a second he realised Kieren was distracted, searching blindly for the bottle of lube. Plucking it from the gap between the pillows where Rick remembered it falling, he pressed the lube into Kieren’s hands, giving a teasingly slow, hard grind of his hips to bring his attention back to where Rick wanted it. Part of him wanted to go slowly, to draw out every touch, and tease Kieren with the promise of what was to come; but that part was overshadowed by the fact that they both wanted and needed this too much right now to take it slow.

With a slicked hand, Kieren pushed between their bodies and grasped at Rick’s cock, guiding him lower as Kieren shifted his hips up, legs falling apart with knees bent. It was only when he pushed into Kieren, who gave a mewl of discomfort, that Rick realised that Kieren wasn’t even properly prepared, and he pressed kisses to the side of his face and neck apologetically, hips completely still.

“I’m sorry, Ren, I’m sorry,” he breathed. The only response he got was a frustrated whimper as Kieren tried to shift himself further onto Rick’s cock, hands around Rick’s back trying to tug him in the direction Kieren wanted. Trusting him to say if it hurt too much, or if he wanted him to stop, Rick started moving again. He wanted to hold back and make this more about Kieren than himself, but the way Kieren gasped and shifted beneath him, tugging at Rick and using his legs to pull him closer, make it impossible. Slowly losing his restraint, Rick snapped his hips into the blissfully welcoming body beneath him, burying his head in Kieren’s neck to keep himself from kissing Kieren and smothering the beautiful cacophony of moans and gasps he was making as Rick started to fuck him harder and faster. It was far too hot beneath the duvet, and sweat pricked on his skin, adding sticky friction to where their bodies moved together. He didn’t care. His own gasps drew only hot, close air into his lungs, his awareness of anything else outside the space in which they existed diminishing. Nothing mattered beyond the way they were tangled together, limbs wrapped around each other, Kieren’s precum leaking between them, and the beautiful noises Kieren was making as he was wound tighter and tighter. When he finally came, Rick fucked him through it as warm wetness slicked the space between them, easing the friction. Finding his own release moments later in the way Kieren’s tightened around him, Rick spilled himself deep inside the trembling body, his own shaking as the last of his orgasm left him exhausted and sated, breathing hard against the damp skin of Kieren’s neck. He couldn’t even find the strength to pull out. Not trusting himself to speak, Rick lifted his head, finding Kieren’s lips and kissing him, eyes clenched shut against the weight of the words crashing through him.

The need for air forced them apart, and Rick nearly sobbed at the overwhelmingly tight ache in his chest. He wanted so desperately to say something to the unbelievably beautiful, broken young man in his arms, but couldn’t find the right words. Not wanting Kieren to see his expression, he buried his face back in Kieren’s neck, focusing on the arms around him. Kieren didn’t move to push him away, just lightly held him there as they both came down from the high, still connected. It didn’t matter if it had just been sex – like this, afterwards, Rick felt such a strong emotional connection to Kieren that he felt lost under the weight of it. The closeness and the contact grounded him, and he was sure he needed Kieren more in that moment than Kieren needed him.

Eventually calmer, Rick pulled back slightly, and found Kieren turning his face to him. Heart skipping a beat at the sight of those beautiful big brown eyes, Rick smiled.

“Hey gorgeous,” he grinned. Kieren’s mouth twitched into a small, uncertain smile, that took a second to blossom into a more confident one. The sight of it made Rick’s heart soar, and brought those words to his lips again. Instead of saying them, though, he kissed Kieren. It was light, and lingering. Perhaps Kieren could tell from the touch how Rick felt about him. Perhaps not. It just seemed to Rick that, as long as he didn’t say the words out loud, he wouldn’t tie Kieren to anything with them. He didn’t want Kieren to feel like he had to say them back, or ought to act a certain way because of how Rick felt. Kieren had said he needed him, not that he wanted him. Until he, and his words, were actually wanted, he’d keep them to himself.

“We should get up,” Rick suggested half-heartedly. Kieren sighed.

“Yeah.” He was completely unenthusiastic in his response. Rick gently rolled his hips, despite being far too spent to get hard again. Kieren’s breath hitched at the movement, and Rick kissed him lightly again, lifting his weight off of Kieren. He could still feel how tight he was, and felt the wetness along the length of his cock. It had also leaked out, no doubt onto the bedsheets as well as Rick’s skin, and between that, the cum smeared between their stomachs, and the way they had been sweating, they both needed another shower.

“No don’t!” Kieren suddenly begged, realising Rick was about to pull out. His face reddened, and he turned away. It struck Rick that Kieren thought something bad would happen if they weren’t connected like this – that it would mean the end, and that Rick would leave. He relaxed back down onto Kieren, kissing him, deciding that a few more minutes wouldn’t matter. As Kieren kissed eagerly back, parting his lips for him, Rick’s fingers pushed through Kieren’s hair, playing with the damp strands as they lazily kissed. He pushed his arm underneath Kieren’s back, holding him close. One of the hands resting on his back slowly traced up Rick’s spine, fingers brushing over his short hair. Gently, Rick covered Kieren’s hand with his own, pulling it away and to the pillow next to Kieren’s head, lacing their fingers together. Still kissing him, Rick slowly pulled out, tightening his hold on Kieren when he whimpered at the loss. He kissed Kieren through it, giving him something else to focus on. Eventually pulling back, Rick brushed his nose against Kieren’s, giving him a final quick kiss.

“You’re far too attractive for your own good.”

“Don’t go then?”

Pulling his arm from underneath Kieren, Rick gently stroked the side of his face, his other hand still holding Kieren’s. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He wished there was some way he could show Kieren that he meant what he said. If Kieren needed to hear it, he’d always say it, but he wanted Kieren to believe him. Perhaps in a few days, or a few weeks, Kieren would believe him so that when he did actually have to go, he would believe Rick when he promised he would come back. He didn’t know if Kieren would even want that, when the time came, but he hoped he would. He hoped he could return to the base knowing that someone would miss him, and be counting the days until they could see each other again.

“Will you stay?”

“Sure? Although you could come back to my hotel room if you wanted?”

Kieren shook his head, frowning slightly. “No.”

“Okay,” Rick agreed, “I’d like to go get some stuff though, if I’m staying the night. Wanna come with me for that?”

“Can’t you just check out?”

Rick hesitated, realising that perhaps Kieren wasn’t talking about just one night. “Yeah, I could, but that would mean… You should maybe talk to your flatmate first, Ren.”

Dejected, Kieren nodded, looking away from Rick.

“Hey,” Rick said softly, “I love the idea, Ren, I really do. I just don’t want your flatmate to be pissed at you.”

Kieren nodded again, and Rick kissed his cheek.

“What time does she get back anyway?”

“About five.”

Rick froze. “Shit.”

“What?”

He groaned, burying his head against Kieren’s neck, trying to stifle the laughter rising in his throat. “It’s after five.”

“Shit.”

Despite the word, Kieren laughed too. Finally letting go of his hand, Rick wrapped both arms around Kieren as he rolled off of him, pulling Kieren on top instead, unbelievably happy to hear the sound of him laughing. Instantly, Rick knew that this moment was going to be one of the happiest, most treasured memories he would always carry with him.

“Guess she’s gonna be pissed at us already.”

“She has a boyfriend too, I’ll just point out it’s getting even.”

Rick’s laughter stilled at the words, and he looked up at Kieren, hardly breathing, not quite sure what he’d heard. The way Kieren stopped as well told him that he hadn’t imagined it. Rick’s mind tried to reach for something to say, but found only blank space. As he opened his mouth, hoping words would come, he found Kieren kissing him, taking away the chance to speak. That was fine too. He relaxed under the touch, deciding to revisit Kieren’s words some other time. Whatever they had just now was more than Rick had ever dared to hope for, and he didn’t want to push it. He didn’t want to make Kieren uncomfortable, or push him away.

Breaking apart, Rick stroked the side of Kieren’s face, marvelling at how soft and smooth his skin felt.

“Shower first?”

Kieren shook his head, pressing his lips together. “She usually goes out again. Let’s get it over and done with.”

“Just you, or…?”

“You too.”

Rick gave a small smile. “Okay.”

He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly nervous at the thought of meeting Kieren’s flatmate. Perhaps it was because if she said she wasn’t okay with him sticking around for a few days, Rick wouldn’t get to spend as much time with Kieren. What if she didn’t like the thought of two guys fucking in the same flat as her? Those in his unit he'd told about Kieren hadn’t judged him for it, but the sting of his father’s treatment when Rick was a teenager still stuck with him, and he knew some people would always be like that. Or maybe he was uneasy because he didn’t know close Kieren was to his flatmate, and how much she knew of their past. Rick had hurt Kieren immeasurably, and he was suddenly ashamed and embarrassed of how people would look at him for that. If Kieren’s flatmate knew of their past and was any sort of decent person, she wouldn’t want Rick to be around Kieren.

Kieren was pulling away, apparently unaware of Rick’s turmoil, shifting to the edge of the bed and pulling on the clothes Rick had brought back from the bathroom for him. As he bent down, Rick’s hand traced over his back, fingers catching on the bumps of his spine. He had done this. Did the girl know that? Was she close to Kieren? Would she give Rick a chance to stay close and try to heal the damage he’d done?

Getting up too, Rick pressed a kiss to Kieren’s shoulder before pulling on his clothes. Kieren finished dressing first and stood, waiting for him. He held out his hand when Rick was done, which Rick took gladly.

“You okay?” Kieren asked. Rick nodded, giving him a brief kiss.

“Yeah, let’s do this.”


	6. Scraps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 27/12/15
> 
> I had wanted to get this down in size, but there wasn't a natural break, and it wouldn't have fitted well with the next chapter, so... this one is kinda long, I'm sorry.
> 
> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***
> 
> 4.5k of idkwtfbbq  
> I'm sorry D:
> 
> I wanted to write a sfw chapter, but then a certain someone encouraged me to... well, yeah... here's an update.
> 
> 'Chippie' = fish & chips. It pretty much means either the fish and chip shop ('wanna go to the chippie?') or anything bought from aforementioned shop ('had a chippie last night') - it doesn't have to be fish and chips at all.  
> Scraps are amazing. All the batter that falls off food as they cook it, they put aside, and you can ask for it to be added to your portion of chips, free of charge. Sadly, they only do this in the north of England.

Kieren seemed far too relaxed as they left the bedroom and headed into the hallway, stopping outside the only room Rick hadn’t been in yet. Confidently, Kieren knocked on the door, his other hand still holding Rick’s.

“Just a sec,” a voice called out, clear and even. Rick listened to the noises from within the room as Kieren’s flatmate made her way to the door, trying to straighten his features when he realised that he was frowning. It somehow mattered what this girl thought of him.

When the door was pulled open a few seconds later, Rick’s first impression was of a very pretty, unassuming young woman. No taller than Rick’s shoulder, she had hair so dark it appeared black, and it fell about her shoulders still kinked from whatever style she’d had it in all day. Wrapped in a fluffy dressing gown, she wasn’t quite what Rick expected a law student to look like.

“You okay Kieren?”

As she spoke her eyes flickered to Rick, glancing over him, and down at where he and Kieren were holding hands. Light blue-grey in colour, they didn’t seem to miss anything.

“Hey Krista. Um, I just… would you mind if Rick stayed for a bit?”

“Rick?”

“Yeah, this is Rick.”

She glanced at him again, and Rick didn’t miss the way that her eyes narrowed as she realised who he was. Sharp, perceptive; in that moment he knew that she knew a lot more about him and his relationship with Kieren that he wanted her to. She distrusted him.

Trying to mend the impression she had of him, he held his hand out to her, which she took reflexively. “Rick Macy. It’s nice to meet you.”

She nodded politely, but didn’t return the sentiment. “Krista Edwards.”

Their hands came apart, and Krista quickly turned her attention back to Kieren.

“I was just about to go for a shower. Wanna come in a minute?”

“Uh, yeah?” It was clear the invite wasn’t for Rick. Kieren turned to him, apologetic. “See you in the living room in a minute?”

“Sure,” he agreed. They were both reluctant to let go of each other. Rick managed to slip his hand away, giving Kieren a small smile. “See you in a sec.”

He ached to kiss Kieren, but with Krista standing there watching and waiting, he bit back the urge, instead crossing the short distance to the living room, and respectfully closing the door. His heart sank. He wanted to know what Krista was going to tell Kieren. He could already guess, but he wished there was some way he could have a say in it, and at least argue his case. But she knew he’d hurt Kieren. There was no way she’d want him around, especially after the contemptuous glance she’d given him.

Taking the remote from the opposite arm of the sofa, Rick turned the TV on, barely paying attention to the headlines. They were always the same. Instead, he flicked over to the Simpsons, not caring that he’d already seen this one twice before. Kieren used to watch the Simpsons, and Rick remembered trying to persuade his dad to turn the channel over so he could watch it too. His dad had refused, of course. Watching TV wasn’t particularly encouraged or discouraged, unless there was sport or some old war film on, but Rick spent most of his time outside than he did in. Rick still liked those programmes – well, maybe the war films less so, now that he’d been in an active warzone – but there were a lot of things he’d missed out on because of his upbringing. He’d spent his pay on more than a few boxsets of different shows, and relished the times he’d come across episodes of the Simpsons he’d watched with Kieren while round at his house for tea, usually with Jem annoying them. Rick had missed her too, and wondered what she was doing now. She’d be sixteen next month.

As much as he tried, Rick couldn’t completely distract himself from thoughts of the conversation Kieren was having with his flatmate. It had only been five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. He was trying to work out how he could spend as much time as possible with Kieren if he wasn’t welcome here. What if Kieren changed his mind though? What if Krista pointed out that Rick would just hurt him again, and Kieren believed that? He promised himself he never would, but if Kieren didn’t give him a chance, he wouldn’t be able to show him… anything. He wouldn’t be able to help him. He wasn’t egotistical enough to believe that he was the only person who could ever help Kieren, but right now Kieren needed someone, and had asked Rick to stay, to be there – so Rick would be there for him in whatever way Kieren needed. He wanted to be there until Kieren found someone who could look after him and make him happy in the way Kieren so badly deserved. Rick wished he could be that person, and it hurt to think he wasn’t good enough. He could never be good enough. He’d hurt Kieren too much. He deserved the pain of seeing how hurt and unhappy his actions had made Kieren, but Kieren didn’t deserve that pain simply because he’d once cared about Rick. Loved; Kieren had loved him.

He hadn’t even noticed that the adverts had come on.

The door opening made his attention snap from his thoughts, and he was instantly on his feet, moving towards Kieren.

“Hey, you okay?”

Kieren looked like he’d been crying, and was on the verge of tears again. He said nothing, simply kissing Rick as Rick wrapped his arms comfortingly around him. Pushing against him, Kieren make Rick step backwards towards the sofa, and when he sat down heavily, Kieren almost immediately straddled him, pressing himself close against Rick as he kissed him again. It was far too desperate and needy, yet when Kieren pulled away and buried his head in Rick’s neck, the words weren’t what he’d expected.

“You can stay.”

“I can…?”

When Kieren lifted his head, Rick realised he was happy, but for some reason not openly showing it.

“For a week or so.”

“Then why…?” Rick’s hand reached up, and traced the side of Kieren’s face, confused as to the sadness and threat of tears he’d seen, and that still seemed to linger there. Instead of answering, Kieren just kissed him again. Rick willingly parted his lips, tongue pressing and sliding against Kieren’s, curling round the wet muscle and teasing it into his mouth where he gently sucked on it until Kieren pulled back, laughing softly.

“That kinda tickles.”

Rick grinned. Kieren had always found that sensation more ticklish than sensual. “I know. I just wanted to see you smile.”

“Dick.”

“Rick, actually, but close.”

“Dick,” Kieren repeated, pressing close to Rick again and kissing him through a smile. “And you’re name’s _Richard_. Plenty of people shorten that to ‘Dick’.”

“Uh, not in this century,” Rick protested.

“You weren’t born in this century.”

“Way to make me sound ancient.”

“But it's true. You weren’t even born in this millennium.”

“Damnit Ren, why do you even think things like that?”

Kieren just leaned in close again, grinning as he watched Rick for a reaction. Rick never thought about things like that. They made him feel uncomfortable.

“Well it’s the truth. You were born in the eighties,” Kieren continued

“Eighty-nine,” Rick pointed out, “and at least I wasn’t born in the nineties.”

“You say that like there’s something wrong with the nineties.”

“You say that like there’s something right with the nineties.”

“Dick.”

Kieren kissed him through the grin brightening his features. He really did look unbelievably attractive, and also younger - more the boy Rick had fallen in love with than the broken young man he’d returned to. Rick curled his fingers through Kieren’s hair, not wanting him to pull away just yet. Kieren matched his gesture, but found nothing to hold onto.

“I miss your hair,” he mumbled, pulling back and absentmindedly stroking the short strands behind Rick’s ear. “You should grow it again.”

“Can’t while I’m in the army.”

“They don’t let you have it even a little bit longer?”

Rick shook his head. “Neater like this.”

Kieren pulled a face, but said nothing more for several minutes, instead wrapping his arms around Rick’s neck and hugging him close. Rick reached for the remote, muting the TV, which was showing adverts again. As he held Kieren close in return, he heard the sound of the shower being shut off.

“I should get another shower,” Kieren sighed, voicing what Rick was thinking.

“Want to grab one while I go get some stuff from the hotel?”

Kieren shook his head adamantly. “Shower with me? Then we can go together?”

“Sure,” Rick agreed, reluctant to mention the next thing. “I was wanting to go past a shop or a takeaway or something too.”

To his surprise, Kieren nodded. “Sounds good. What were you thinking of?”

“Chippie?”

“Mm, definitely sounds good,” Kieren smiled, kissing Rick. Unbelievably relieved to hear Kieren taking an interest in food and in eating, Rick kissed back happily, trying to ignore the hunger that had ignited at the thought of a chippie. He hadn’t had one in months.

The sound of the bathroom lock being undone reached their ears, and Kieren leant back, away from Rick. “Shower?”

“Shower,” he agreed, grinning.

* * *

It was fully dark when they finally left the flat again, and cold. Kieren’s gloved hand held Rick’s exposed one, the wool giving him a small amount of protection from the cold air. He was grateful it wasn’t far to the hotel, especially as they were walking with enough speed to build heat. He was also grateful for the contact Kieren afforded him – he was under no obligation to hold hands or let Rick touch him in any way in public, but the second they’d put their jackets on to go out, Kieren had grabbed his hand and hadn’t let go since. It was something he seemed to need, to make himself feel okay, and Rick didn’t mind – it made him feel more than okay too. They’d always had to hide what they were to each other before, and Rick wondered how it made Kieren feel that they didn’t have to now, if they didn’t want to. Rick didn’t want to hide any more. It had been tiring, and had made him feel miserable and like shit, as if being with Kieren was something wrong. The only thing that had been wrong about it was the way everyone around them had made Rick feel, and the way he’d been constantly reminded that he wasn’t worth half as much as the next person because of the way he felt towards Kieren. Looking back, it pissed him off. So fucking what if he fancied a guy? It made him feel incredibly happy to be able to walk with Kieren like this, to know that anyone who saw them would know what they were. If that’s what Kieren wanted too, then nothing else mattered.

At the hotel, they made their way quietly past the receptionist, who didn’t even bother looking in their direction. It was only two floors up, but Rick decided to use the lift, and Kieren made no objection. It was only when they were in the lift that Rick broke the silence.

“Was Krista really okay with me staying?”

Kieren hesitated, sighing before answering. “Yeah, she was just… reluctant at first.”

Rick realised he’d tightened his hold on Kieren’s hand. “Okay. I just don’t want you two to be on bad terms because of me.”

“We’re not, I promise.”

The lift door opened onto an empty corridor, and Rick led Kieren down it, stopping outside his room and opening it with the keycard. He’d not spent much time there at all, so his things were still mostly packed in his army issue rucksack. He turned the light on and let Kieren step into the room, heading straight for the bathroom where he’d left his wash bag.

“Sure you don’t want to stay the night here instead?” he offered again.

“No,” Kieren called back, speaking over the noise of the TV he’d just turned on. “I’ve got a workshop in the morning.”

Rick quietly collected his things, knowing that the reason Kieren had just given was just an excuse. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to stay here for a night, but he wasn’t going to push the issue. Kieren probably just preferred his own bed. Rick, on the other hand, preferred any bed.

Back in the bedroom, he put the wash bag in the top of his rucksack, and sat down next to Kieren at the bottom of the bed, kissing his neck. He caught just how cold Kieren’s ears were.

“Should get you a hat, Ren. Your ears are freezing.”

“Yours must be too.” Kieren had taken off his gloves, and when a warm hand covered the side of Rick’s head, he realised just how cold he was as well.

“Yeah, I should probably go buy a hat tomorrow,” he decided. He no doubt had one at his parents’ somewhere, but that wasn’t going to be of any use to him over the next few days. It wasn't about to get warmer.

Glancing around the room, his gaze settled back on Kieren. It seemed a shame not to use the room he'd paid for, but Kieren wasn't keen on staying the night. Rick didn't really want to leave immediately. He liked the thought of being able to have obnoxiously loud sex, although they'd already fucked three times. Reluctant for it to just be sex, he paused a moment, before speaking up again - it wasn’t as if either of them minded the physical side of things.

“So do you want to stick around for a bit, or…?”

“Stick around? What for?”

Saying nothing, Rick kissed Kieren’s neck again, his hand sliding down over the front of his clothes and pressing firmly against his crotch. In one fluid movement, he slid off the bed and onto his knees in front of Kieren, looking up at him as his hands moved to the zip on his jeans. Kieren’s lips were parted in surprise, and his hands flew to Rick’s shoulders, trying to push him away.

“What are you doing Rick?”

“Do you not want me to?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Kieren bit his lip, looking torn, eyes glancing away from Rick.

“Ren?” Rick pleaded softly, “let me make you feel good?”

Looking back down at Rick with wide, surprised eyes, Kieren bit his lip, and slowly nodded. Grateful for the permission to continue, Rick wasted no time in undoing the fastenings and pulling at the material when Kieren wordlessly lifted his hips so Rick could tug his jeans down. The boxers didn’t come as easily, and Rick just tugged the fabric out of the way, exposing Kieren’s cock. Only half-erect, Rick took all of him in his mouth, gently sucking and licking, feeling Kieren swell to full hardness and pulling back when his length would no longer fit in his mouth. Rick could count on one hand the number of time they’d done this, and couldn’t understand for the life of him why. The feeling of Kieren hot and hard against his tongue was intoxicating, and the expression on Kieren’s face as he looked down at Rick made his own cock twitch and start to swell.

Hand holding the base of Kieren’s cock steady, Rick circled his tongue round the tip, tasting lingering traces of soap and licking it away before swallowing as much of his length as he could, fingers wrapping around what his mouth couldn’t reach. His eyes fell closed as he concentrated on moving his mouth over Kieren’s cock, sucking and licking the underneath with his tongue as he raised his head, tracing teasing circles over the head, and then swallowing as much of him into his mouth again as he could. Unfamiliar to him, Rick felt an ache in his jaw, and tried to push past it, but after another few minutes, he pulled off with a slight grimace of pain he hadn’t meant to show, his hand taking over and stroking over Kieren’s wet cock. When he looked up at Kieren, though, his discomfort became so insignificant. Kieren hadn’t noticed. His eyes were shut, and he gasped softly, panting. At the loss of Rick’s mouth, though, he looked down, directly at Rick with eyes clouded by lust. Maintaining eye contact, Rick leant in again, carefully kissing and then sucking the tip of Kieren’s cock. He was rewarded with the taste of precum on his tongue, and Kieren curling forwards almost violently, gasping, a hand finding the back of Rick’s head and fingers trying to find purchase. Licking more of the taste into his mouth, Rick’s tongue focused on teasing Kieren’s cock, his lips tight around the head as his hand maintained the rhythm along the rest of the tight, heated flesh. He ignored the complaining ache from his jaw. It didn’t matter. Above him, Kieren was gasping and trying to choke back moans, which Rick tried to tease from him with every lick and twist of his tongue, every stroke of his hand

When Kieren’s hand suddenly balled into a fist and his body tensed, Rick didn’t pull back. He’d wondered how he’d cope if he managed to get Kieren this far, but now that he had, there wasn’t any question as to what he was going to do. Mouth never leaving Kieren’s cock, he stroked him just that little bit harder as he came, finding himself completely surrounded and invaded by Kieren – his thighs either side of him, hand wrapped around his head, body arching forward over him and cum spilling onto his tongue. Despite the strange taste of it, Rick swallowed what felt like much more cum than Kieren normally spilled between their bodies when they fucked, only carefully pulling back when the last drop of his orgasm had been teased from Kieren’s body. He licked and then wiped at his lips with the back of his hand, daring to look up at Kieren, feeling incredibly vulnerable.

Kieren gave a breathless laugh, smiling. For a second, Rick didn’t know if he had done well, or if Kieren was laughing at him.

“You’re so fucking good at that.”

Relief washed over him. Not knowing how else to respond, Rick gave a falsely confident grin, saying the first idiotic thing that came to mind. “Only because you’re so easy to please.”

Kieren snorted. “I’m really not.”

As Rick finally stood, helping Kieren put his clothing back in place, he kicked himself for his choice of words, but also wondered at the seriousness of Kieren’s reply. It was far too egotistical to think that he was one of the few people that Kieren had been with who made him feel good like that, but Rick didn’t know what else it could mean. How could he be any good when Kieren was the only person he’d ever been with?

He pushed the thoughts aside as he wrapped his arms around Kieren, refraining from kissing him. Kieren might find that gross.

"Are you ready to go yet?" Kieren asked. Rick sighed softly, pulling away.

"Yeah," he agreed, readjusting himself in his boxers and going over to his bag, closing it. Not seeing much point in brushing his teeth when he was going to eat shortly, he just pulled some chewing gum from his jacket pocket, and turned to Kieren, offering him some. Kieren shook his head wordlessly.

“Still want a chippie?” Rick asked.

“Yeah. Not sure what I want though. What you getting?”

Rick laughed, picking his rucksack up and dumping it on the bed. “Jumbo sausage and chips.”

Kieren grinned at him, kneeling on the bed and holding the rucksack. “You’re so fucking gay.”

“Knew you’d say that.”

Placing his laptop bag next to the rucksack, Rick checked the cables in it somewhat absently, making sure he hadn’t left his phone charger in the wall. The mint from the gum saturated his mouth, erasing almost every trace of what he’d just done, but the lingering ache in his jaw and the memory of Kieren in his mouth distracted Rick - not to mention the way his heartrate quickened, in a very good way, as he thought about what he’d just done. He took a moment to marvel at the fact that he hadn’t just sucked cock, but loved it.

“Want me to carry anything?”

Rick pulled himself from his thoughts, closing the laptop bag and catching himself still smiling. “Nah, it’s good. This stuff’s heavy, even for me.”

“I could carry your laptop?”

Rick paused, and then nodded, relenting. “Yeah, okay.”

His laptop wasn’t as heavy as the old one he’d had when he first joined up, but Rick still thought it was awkward carrying a weight like that across one shoulder. There was no way Kieren would be able to carry the rucksack, and while Rick could manage both easily… Kieren had offered. He didn’t want Kieren to think he thought of him as weak. He didn’t want Kieren to think he didn’t want his help. He also didn’t want Kieren to think he had to prove anything because Rick had accepted his offer.

“Let me know if it gets too much. It’s a total dick to carry,” he added as Kieren took the bag, slinging it over his shoulder. “Gloves.”

Kieren turned with a soft ‘oh!’, picking up the gloves behind him on the bed and pulling them on, quickly looking down and checking his flies. Rick shrugged on the huge rucksack, grateful for the way it would help keep him warm on the way back. His own jeans weren’t as tight as Kieren’s, so weren’t likely to show how hard he still was.

“So reception, chippie, home?” Kieren asked, turning the TV off. Rick had barely noticed it.

“Reception? Nah, I’ll do that tomorrow – too late to get any money back for tonight. You decided what you want?”

“Um… not yet… Something with chips?”

“That narrows it down,” Rick teased, letting Kieren take his hand as they left the room. “Well you’ve got til we get there to decide.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on, I’m hungry.”

Rick grinned, happy to fall in step next to Kieren as they made their way along the corridor and out the building.

* * *

“Christ Ren, stop fucking nicking my chips!”

Kieren’s hand darted back to his own bag of food, some of Rick’s chips in his fingers. “But they taste so much better from someone else’s plate.”

“Well in that case…”

Rick leant over, trying to grab at the food as Kieren turned away, protecting it. Rick settled for the next best thing - kissing Kieren’s cheek and leaving a smudge of grease on his skin. Kieren huffed, trying and failing to look annoyed as he rubbed at it, which gave Rick a chance to take a chip.

“Rick,” Kieren whined. Rick grinned in response, stuffing the chip into his mouth and glancing back at the TV. Sharing the sofa, he and Kieren were both eating straight from the bag, having decided not to bother with plates or cutlery. The Young Apprentice was on, but neither of them were actually watching it. Rick didn’t understand the appeal of programmes like that at all.

“So what time are you going to class tomorrow?”

“Hm…” Kieren chewed a mouthful of scraps before replying. “Gotta go at half eight. Workshop starts at nine.”

“And you’ll be back…?”

“Half two? Sometimes I get away earlier.”

“Wanna do something in the afternoon?”

“Like what?”

Rick shrugged, taking another mouthful. “I could go see what’s on in the cinema, something like that?”

“Yeah, okay,” Kieren agreed, leaning against Rick’s shoulder and holding out his food. “I’m done, want any?”

“Sure,” Rick agreed, not sure how he felt about the food Kieren hadn’t eaten. He’d finished the sausage, at least, and about half of the chips. It wasn’t enough, really, but he’d eaten. Rick didn’t want to push the point, or say anything that would make Kieren feel uncomfortable. “Give us it here.”

Kieren’s leftovers added to his own, Rick settled with Kieren against his side, eating until he was far too full to manage another mouthful. Despite saying he had finished, Kieren still helped himself to a further few chips, chewing on them absentmindedly as he watched the TV.

“What kind of parents do you think these kids have?”

“Weird ones,” Rick instantly dismissed, unable to comprehend why anyone would want to do anything business related at that age. He thought of Philip. “How is Lippy anyway?”

“Philip? He went to college for a year. He’s doing politics and IR now.”

“Here?”

“Yeah. Don’t really see him that often though. He missed you, you know.”

“Missed me?”

“When you left.”

“Oh.” Rick fell silent, the arm he’d wrapped around Kieren tightening. “I didn’t really know what to say to anyone.”

Kieren was quiet, burying his head in Rick’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around him, saying nothing. Rick kissed the top of his head, holding him in return.

“I’m sorry, Ren. I’m so sorry.”

They were quiet like that for several minutes. Rick wished he could know what Kieren was thinking. If there was some way he could fix what he’d done, he’d do it, but he knew that perhaps the damage could never be undone. Even if his efforts only erased a small fraction of the pain, he supposed he would be able to live with that, as long as he’d tried his best.

At length, Kieren shifted, pulling himself away from Rick, instead sitting in his lap, straddling him. He didn’t seem as hurt by the unintentional topic as Rick thought he might be.

“You done eating?”

“Yeah, you?”

Kieren gave a small nod. “I was thinking we could go through to the bedroom? I’m kinda tired. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to…”

“’Course I want to.”

Kieren kissed him lightly. “Let me to use the bathroom and stuff, yeah? Krista shouldn’t be home for a while, so you’ll be safe here.”

Rick raised an eyebrow at the choice of words. “Safe? Does she have it in for me?”

“Nah,” Kieren assured him, carefully climbing off of his lap. “I just thought you’d rather not be left alone with her.”

Kieren was right, but Rick just shrugged. “Guess not? See you in a minute, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kieren agreed, giving him a fleeting kiss on the cheek, before leaving the room.

* * *

Despite saying he felt tired, it took a while for Kieren to fall asleep. Rick supposed it could be because he’d slept earlier, or perhaps it was just strange for him to be curled up in someone’s arms. Although the bed was a double, they took up little space, Rick curled protectively around Kieren, who was pressed as closely against Rick’s chest as he could manage. It didn’t matter how long it took, Rick promised himself he’d stay awake until Kieren had fallen asleep, but even once Kieren’s breathing had evened out and he’d relaxed, Rick still didn’t want to close his eyes. He couldn’t quite understand how any of today had happened, and on the edge of unconsciousness, he was suddenly fearful that it was all a dream – that he had imagined it. Was he injured? Had someone shot him? Was he hallucinating, lying in the baking sun, bleeding onto the sand around him, completely unaware of the firefight going on around him? Perhaps he was dying, and this was the most beautiful, most cruel taste of relief and torment his brain could conjure. Was someone going to come for him soon, load him onto a stretcher and carry him back to… where? Where was he going? How far from base had they been? Perhaps he’d already lost too much blood. Who were they going to call – the medics, or the chaplain?

Jolting awake, Rick felt pure adrenaline coursing through his veins, kicking him back to full consciousness. His body prickled with cold sweat, and it took him a minute to realise where he was. It was warm; it was safe. It was still far too dark, but recognising the warm weight pressed against his side, Rick calmed down so fast it felt as if he was crashing to the ground, into the soft mattress beneath him. He was okay. He was safe.

He looked at Kieren, still sleeping peacefully beside him, completely undisturbed. Kieren was safe too. He would always be, Rick promised himself. As long as Rick drew breath, Kieren would always find comfort and protection in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was Chapter 5 to start with. Kinda realising comments might not make sense... heh...
> 
> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***
> 
> Well, that was just one day.  
> Tuesday? Who wants Tuesday?


	7. You Said You Needed Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 27/12/15

It was far too early to be awake. Rick wasn’t tired, he just wanted to lie there for as long as possible. Forever sounded good. He wanted to savour the memory of yesterday, and every unbelievable thing that had happened - including waking up next to Kieren. Kieren was moving though, and pressed a kiss to Rick’s lips.

“I need to get up.”

He was pulling away before Rick could hold onto him and get one last hug or kiss. Groaning in disappointment, he rolled into the space Kieren had just vacated, face flat against the pillow and inhaling Kieren’s scent, feeling the warmth where his body had been. His arms felt empty.

“There should be some cereal in the cupboard if you want. Mine’s top left above the cooker, bowls are directly underneath,” Kieren offered. Rick rolled back onto his side, watching Kieren tugging the towel draped over the back of the chair and pulling out clean clothes. “I’m gonna get a shower.”

“I can wait til you’re done and we can eat together?”

“Not hungry. I’ll get something on campus later.”

Rick’s heart sank a little at the answer. “Okay,” he agreed as Kieren pulled the door open and left the room. Lying there, lost, Rick tried to tell himself it didn’t matter. Far too many people didn’t eat breakfast, it just so happened that Kieren was one of those people. Perhaps he still felt too tired to force anything down. Rick, on the other hand, almost always woke hungry, and figured that he might as well get up. He had no idea how the day would go, but he hoped it would be more settled than yesterday.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he dragged his rucksack towards him and pulled out a warmer set of clothes than what he’d been wearing yesterday. He’d get used to the cold again in a few days, he promised himself. Dressing quickly, he made his way through to the kitchen, hesitating for a second when he realised Krista was also awake, leaning against the counter and facing towards the door as she absentmindedly stared at her toes, jiggling a butterknife in her hand.

“Morning,” Rick greeted with a polite smile. Krista looked up, registering his presence, and then turned towards the toaster, not looking at Rick as he moved into the kitchen.

“Morning,” she replied curtly. “Have a good night?”

Surprised by the question, Rick half turned to her as he reached up to open the cupboard. “Yeah, did actually, thanks. You?”

She nodded, and if he hadn’t have been looking, he would have missed it. As she seemed to have nothing more to say, Rick focused his attention on the contents of Kieren’s cupboard, frowning. There wasn’t much in it: a tin of soup; a tin of beans; an unopened packet of pasta; an opened but seemingly unused pack of spaghetti; salt and some other bottles of seasoning herbs; two bars of chocolate; and the box of cereal Kieren had mentioned. Trying not to think about the obviously neglected, sparse contents, Rick pulled down the box and crouched down, opening the cupboard containing the crockery. Some cutlery was still in the drying rack, so he took a spoon from there, placing it in the bowl and pouring out some of the Cheerios. They weren’t exactly what Rick would pick for breakfast, but food was food. He walked round Krista, who was buttering the toast that had just pinged out of the toaster, and pulled open the fridge door. One shelf in the door was full of juice, a carton of milk and a few beers. Rick took the milk from the other shelf, but hesitated when he saw the way it moved in the plastic carton. The second he opened it, he knew it was off.

“That’s been there for about two weeks.” Rick turned, surprised Krista had spoken. She was watching him, carefully taking a bite of her toast. She gestured towards the fridge. “You can use some of mine.”

“Oh, um… thanks,” Rick managed, putting the off milk on the counter as he took the cardboard carton from the lower shelf. It was goat’s milk. He said nothing though, crossing back to where he’d left his bowl and pouring out a much smaller amount than he needed. The way Krista was silently watching him as he put it back and then took his bowl was starting to unsettle him. He tried not to let it show, heading towards the living room.

“You hurt him and I’ll fucking kill you.”

Not quite believing such harsh words had come from someone so seemingly proper and polite, Rick froze, turning slowly on the spot. What did you even say to that? That he never wanted to hurt Kieren, ever? That he wasn’t here to fuck around, he was here because he wanted to give Kieren something he so badly deserved, and to try and take away some of the pain he knew he’d caused? Did he tell her that if he hurt Kieren, he’d gladly let her carry out her threat? Kieren deserved so, so much better than him. Rick was worthless, but perhaps in giving Kieren some happiness and comfort, Rick could become worth something.

Instead, he just nodded, acknowledging her words. He didn’t know how long they’d known each other, but Krista and Kieren were friends. Rick hadn’t been a part of Kieren’s life for so long, he had no right to say anything.

“I won’t.”

Scowling slightly, Krista turned away, flicking on the kettle and pulling down a box of herbal tea from her own well-stocked cupboard. Rick was forgotten.

The milk didn’t seem too bad, but as he sat on the sofa slowly eating the cereal, Rick knew he wasn’t tasting things properly. He told himself it was good Kieren had a friend like Krista. He deserved to have people around him who cared for him and looked out for him – but it obviously wasn’t doing Kieren any good. He was still unhappy.

Rick wondered what he was to Kieren. He certainly wasn’t a friend, and despite the slip he’d made last night, Kieren had insisted earlier that they weren’t boyfriends, and hadn’t wanted to talk about it; so they weren’t that. Rick was just… there…

Carrying a steaming cup of tea, Krista came through, sitting on the single seat. Rick had cleared away the barely-eaten croissant and cold cup of coffee last night before going to bed, and was grateful that he had done so. Taking the remote, Krista put on the BBC news channel. He couldn’t quite tell if she was paying attention to it as she slowly sipped her drink, or just watching him out the corner of her eye to see what he would do. Rick simply ate his cereal, trying not to rush it. Nearing his last mouthful, he was distracted when Kieren came into the room, rubbing his hair with the towel, looking over at Rick and giving him a small hint of a smile.

“Hey,” Rick greeted. “I’m nearly done. Want anything?”

Kieren shook his head, tugging the towel from his head. Both looked over in surprise when Krista spoke, her tone soft and unnervingly, like a cold warning.

“Kieren.”

She didn’t look away quickly enough for Rick to miss where she’d been looking, and before Kieren had caught on, Rick had seen it. Where the fabric of Kieren’s long-sleeve top had ridden up, there were several fresh, red lines across his skin.

“Ren, no!”

Rick haphazardly dumped the nearly empty bowl on the floor, and was up almost instantly in front of Kieren, reflexively taking his arm in his hands, staring down at the fresh, neat little red cuts, one of them still oozing beads of blood. Rick didn’t want to believe they were there.

“Ren,” he repeated softly, his voice catching on the emotions choking his throat. He wished Kieren had cut him instead – at least that would hurt less. Letting go of his arm, Rick pulled Kieren into his arms, holding him far too tightly, afraid to let go. “You didn’t have to do that, Ren, you didn’t…”

Kieren was mute against him, unresponsive. Realising how excessive his knee-jerk reaction had been, Rick pulled carefully away, hand cupping the side of Kieren’s face. “Shall we go back to your room, yeah?”

Kieren nodded, and let Rick take his hand. Glancing towards Krista, Rick tried to keep the pain he was feeling from his expression. “I’ll come tidy up in a minute.”

Her face was oddly calm – sad, even. She nodded, watching them as they left the room. Rick didn’t like how the resigned expression and the way Krista had reacted showed that this was just something that happened, and something she couldn’t or didn’t know how to do anything about. Rick didn’t either, really, and when they reached the bedroom and Kieren made to pull away, he wasn’t sure if he should let him go or hold him close. He wanted to talk about this – he wanted to understand why Kieren had done that, but he didn’t know where to start.

In the end, what he wanted selfishly won out, and he held Kieren in a tight embrace, burying his head in his neck. Kieren felt so small, so fragile. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed.

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t do it,” came the hollow reply. Rick might as well have done it. He knew that if it wasn’t his fault, there was only one other person Kieren was going to blame, and Rick wouldn’t accept that. It wasn’t Kieren’s fault at all – he hadn’t left, he hadn’t done this damage. It was Rick. Rick had fucked up, and he knew he was never going to be able to live with what he’d done. It didn’t matter now if Kieren was going to somehow be okay – those two years of unhappiness still existed, and Rick could never erase them.

He wouldn’t let Kieren carry the weight of his mistakes, though.

“Ren, it is. I thought you’d be okay. I never asked you. I never said anything. I just… I left without thinking. I should have been there to help you, and I wasn’t. That’s on me, not you.”

Kieren was pulling back, pushing Rick’s chest to get him to let go. Reluctantly, he did so, but found Kieren just standing there with his gazed fixed on the floor, moving no further away.

“It’s not your fault. You’re not the slut.”

“Wha-?” Rick was beyond confused, struggling to make sense of Kieren’s dejected words. “Slut? You’re not a slut, Ren.”

“I am. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it – because I’m an easy lay?”

Rick was hurt by what Kieren thought of himself, and wanted to reach out to him somehow and show him how wrong he was. He could tell Kieren was on the verge of tears, and as he watched, one rolled over his cheek, falling to the floor between them. He lifted his his thumb and shakily traced across the path the tear left on Kieren’s skin, wiping away the lingering wetness.

“I’m here for you, Ren. I don’t… well, I do care about sex – it’s so, so fucking good – but it’s not the reason I want to stay. I’m here for you, because you said you needed me.”

Kieren looked up at him, brown eyes painfully sad and filled with tears. “Is that why you’re here? Because I said…?”

Rick’s heart sank even further, realising his mistake in putting the fact Kieren had said he needed him before anything else. “No,” he admitted. “I’m here because I care about you. A lot. Like…” He trailed off. The words wouldn’t be welcome. Rick didn’t want to say them, only to have Kieren think he was being insincere. “Shit, Ren, I’m not just doing this because you asked me to stay. I really, really… I…”

He looked at Kieren, at the unshed tears clinging thickly to his lower lashes, the way Kieren looked at him with such a lost, broken expression. He didn’t want his words to be too much, but he didn’t want to leave him with nothing.

“I want you to be happy, Ren, no matter what it takes or who you have to be with for that to happen. Honestly, though, I’d love it if you one day wanted me the way I want you.”

Kieren was quiet, tears falling as he closed his eyes. He nodded slowly.

“And you’re not a slut,” Rick added, aware he was probably pushing too far, but he didn’t want Kieren to think anything like that about himself. “You’re the most beautiful, gorgeous, kind, talented, amazing person I’ve ever met, okay? I’m here because of that, because I love being around you, and I  _ want _ to be around you. I want to have sex with you because you’re beautiful. I want to talk to you because I want to know everything there is to know about you. I want to see you laugh and smile. I want to help you feel as happy as you deserve to be. I want to hug you and kiss you because…" He swallowed his words, quickly changing direction. "You deserve to be happy, Ren. I’ll give you anything to make you feel that way.”

Kieren let out a sob, shifting forwards and wrapping his arms weakly around Rick, who caught him, holding him safely in his arms while Kieren tried to figure out what he wanted to do or say next. Rick had said more than enough. He wanted Kieren to believe him, to know that everything he said was the truth, but knew that words were just empty noise if you didn’t want to hear them. Without them, though, there was too much scope for Kieren to misinterpret his actions – he didn’t want him to think that what he did was because Rick wanted to take from Kieren without giving back. He could never use Kieren. The thought turned his stomach, and made him hold Kieren that little bit tighter, hating the idea and fearing what others might have done to him in the past.

Kieren wasn’t quite crying, just letting out shaky breaths as he tried to calm himself. Eventually, he seemed relaxed enough, and spoke without pulling away. “I have to go. I’ll be late.”

Rick grimaced, tempted to suggest that Kieren skipped class. He didn’t want Kieren to go, not when they were talking about something like this. He supposed it was a distraction from the topic, but understood Kieren’s avoidance. He’d just dumped a lot on him; it would probably take a while for Kieren to figure out how to respond something like that. The last thing Rick wanted was to make anything worse for Kieren by making him fall behind in classes. “Want me to walk you to the bus?” he offered. Kieren shook his head.

“It’s not far.” He let go of Rick slowly, moving back with his head down, not looking at Rick. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay Ren,” Rick reassured him, not quite sure what to do with his hands. He settled for curling his fingers under Kieren’s chin, gently lifting his head so he could give him a soft kiss. “It’s really okay. You’re not still bleeding or anything?”

Kieren shook his head. “Will you be here when I get back?”

Rick let go of him, shrugging. “Not right here. I was going to go into town, so I could meet you off the bus if you text me when you’re done?”

“Yeah,” Kieren agreed, looking around the room and crossing to the table where he started sorting through some of the pencils he had, putting them into a metal tin. Rick watched him for a moment, before going over to his rucksack, wanting to find something he’d dropped in there without thinking yesterday. Not wanting to pull all his clothes out, he searched blindly for a minute, eventually realising he couldn’t find it. Giving up, he turned back to Kieren, who was now shrugging on his jacket.

“Stay warm, yeah?”

Kieren nodded, and Rick walked back over to him, pushing his hands inside the still unzipped jacket so he could hug Kieren, rather than the bulk of his clothing. It didn’t matter what Kieren felt like, as long as he could hold him.

“Wish you didn’t have to go,” he admitted.

“I can’t miss this class.”

“I know,” Rick sighed. “You gotta go do your thing. I’ll be waiting for you when you get back though. Promise.” He hesitated, giving a small smile as he pulled back. “Although maybe tell me which bus you’re on, so I’m not left standing at the wrong stop like a total idiot.”

Kieren managed a small smile in return at the idea, reaching down to zip up his jacket. “I might…”

Rick took over, doing up the jacket and kissing Kieren when it was done, using the tab on the zipper to pull and hold him close. He tried to keep his emotions in check, to not let the kiss be bittersweet, but more of a promise of comfort and acceptance. It felt like he failed. It was far too lingering and heartbreakingly sweet. He didn’t want Kieren to go. He wanted Kieren to stay here, to let Rick hold him close and slowly undress him, kissing away all the cuts and scars and all the pain marring Kieren’s body. He wanted Kieren to let him make everything okay.

But Kieren had to go.

Rick pulled away, quickly taking the hood of the jacket in his hands and flipping it over Kieren’s head, grinning and trying to hide how raw he felt. “C’mon, you gotta go draw a bunch of fruit or something.”

“Oi!” Kieren protested, shoving the hood back. “It’s vegetables, actually.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rick teased, “Go draw a kumquat.”

“You don’t know what a kumquat is, do you?”

“Not a clue.”

No matter how much he smiled at Kieren, or how much he smiled back, it couldn’t remove the knowledge of what was beneath Kieren’s clothes. Rick tried not to let his face fall too quickly as the image of those painful red lines against pale skin came to mind.

"You're gonna be okay, Ren," he promised, aware that the smile had fallen from Kieren’s lips too. He didn't voice it as a question, despite the fact he wanted to hear from Kieren that he felt okay to go to class. It felt important not to question it; to never leave any room for doubt. Kieren was going to be okay. Rick needed to hear that - even from his own lips - and hoped the promise would help Kieren too. “Come back soon, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kieren agreed. “Walk me to the door?”

It wasn’t far, but Kieren still took Rick’s hand once he’d slung his bag over his shoulder. At the flat door, Rick gave him a kiss.

“See you soon, Ren.”

“Yeah, see ya, Rick.”

And then he was gone.


	8. Introspection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposted 28/12/15
> 
> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***  
> Don't expect anything worth reading. I feel fucking miserable, and this is unbelievably awful and fucking pointless.
> 
> Thanks (I think?) to blueobliviate for reading it over and encouraging me to post it.

Before heading to the bathroom, Rick made his way back through to the living room, where his bowl still sat on the floor. Thankfully nothing had slopped onto the floor, but the last mouthful was now just a mess of stodgy Cheerios in the bottom of the bowl, the last of the milk having been absorbed. He picked it up, heading through to the kitchen and taking the milk too. He didn’t want to throw anything of Kieren’s out without asking him first, and hesitated for a moment, unsure how Kieren would feel if he replaced it. It didn’t matter that it was off, it was the principle of the thing. Perhaps Kieren would figure Rick had just used it, though. Perhaps he’d never remember. Turning the tap on, Rick poured the spoilt milk down the drain, grimacing as the curdled lumps sloshed out. He rinsed the plastic carton, before crushing it and replacing the lid. He figured it was better to chuck the milk down the drain than risk the carton somehow being damaged and leaking all over the bin.

The dregs of his cereal joined the carton, and Rick crossed to the sink. Movement caught his eye, and he turned, watching warily as Krista came in. She looked as if she was ready to head out.

“Is he okay?”

He hesitated, not quite sure how to respond. She was concerned for Kieren. It didn’t matter if she liked Rick or not, she wanted to know how Kieren was – it was that fact alone that kept Rick from snapping at her – of course Kieren wasn’t fucking okay. He was about as far from okay as anyone could be, and the question seemed so stupid that he wanted to reply with the most unhelpful answer he could think of.

He didn’t, though. Even if she knew how fucked up things were, Krista was asking about how Kieren was now, how he’d been when he left. Rick turned back to the sink. “He was fine.”

She nodded, taking in the information. Moving to the drying rack, she leant against the counter, facing outwards while Rick rinsed his bowl.

“Did he tell you why he did it?”

Rick sighed heavily, his hands stilling. He didn’t see how it was any of her business, really. He didn’t know how close they were, and answering her – even if he wanted to – would be talking about something private. Kieren hadn’t said it was okay to talk to her about anything like this, so he wouldn’t. He kept quiet, returning to scrubbing the bowl, washing it clean under the running tap and placing it on the drying rack.

“We’re friends, you know,” she continued, when she realised Rick wasn’t going to answer her. “But even then… I wish he would, but he doesn’t always tell me everything.”

Rick scowled down at the spoon he was now thumbing clean, seeing her words as a slight against him. It felt as if she was trying to provoke him into saying something, as if she thought he was stupid enough to be goaded into talking. That or she was actually trying to be nice, and just assumed that Kieren hadn’t told him anything. When he glanced at her, he didn’t know if he could trust the sincerity in her expression.

“It’s not my place to say,” he pointed out. She nodded, looking down at the floor.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” It was her softer side again, the hard edge she’d initially presented Rick having been worn away. “You guys had fish and chips last night?”

“Yeah?”

“And Kieren… he ate? He didn’t just… move stuff about or anything?”

“He ate,” Rick admitted, turning to her as he shut off the tap. Krista gave a weak expression of relief. Her gaze hardened as she fixed her eyes on Rick’s, seeming to remember herself and how she was supposed to act around him.

“I meant what I said. If you hurt him…”

“I’m not going to.”

“And if you’re just using him for sex-”

“Don’t you dare fucking think it,” Rick growled, cutting her off. The remark was far too close to the bone, especially after what Kieren had said. He didn’t want anyone to even consider for a moment that he was only bothering with Kieren because he wanted to fuck him. He wasn’t like that. Kieren wasn’t like that. He and Krista were all but glaring at each other – like children, Rick realised. It didn’t make him stop though. He met the harsh gaze staring up at him evenly, not backing down. He would never let anyone think that about… whatever it was between Kieren and himself.

Krista’s expression slowly changed, softening.

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Rick scowled, offended she’d think so little of him to assume he was using Kieren.

She nodded, accepting his answer and looking away. “Just… don’t fuck him around.”

It sounded something like resignation, as if Krista was reluctantly coming to terms with the thought of Rick being around Kieren. He’d be more grateful for her shift in attitude towards him if he wasn’t so pissed off that she could ever think he was using Kieren. Rick didn’t quite trust himself to say the right thing in response.

“I’ve got to go,” she announced. “Make sure to shut the door behind you if you’re going out, yeah?”

Krista glanced at him quickly, no doubt getting an eyeful of his irritated expression, and then made her way out of the kitchen, leaving Rick alone, and starting to feel guilty at the way he’d reacted to her. She was Kieren’s friend after all, and she was doing a better job at trying to make sure Kieren had the right people around him than Rick had ever done.

* * *

Rick unpacked and repacked his clothes before heading out, fetching what he wanted from near the bottom of the rucksack. His watch had slipped down too, and when he found it, he fastened it around his wrist before taking it off again, remembering why he’d dumped it in the bag in the first place – it was broken. The crystal display had bled in the heat, and was now completely useless; he’d have to buy a new one. Putting it on the bedside table, he stared at it a minute, not sure why the fact it had broken bothered him so much. He then turned from it, taking the metal chain he’d originally sought and bunching it in his hand. Unwilling to wear it, Rick hesitated for a moment, considering stuffing it in his pocket. After a second, it joined the watch on the table.

Hat, gloves, food, watch – despite how long he’d been away, Rick couldn’t really think of anything else he wanted or needed to do. It was now after nine, so he took out his phone and dialled the hotel, but no one answered. He decided to try again in an hour or so. He’d go past the bank, see how much he had. As his home address was still his parents’, he didn’t have any bills to pay, as such, but each month he transferred a hundred and fifty pounds to his parents – a hundred to them both, and fifty to his mum’s savings account. He’d only started doing that about nine months ago, and wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe it was guilt. That weekend at home hadn’t been particularly different from any other, but he’d been struck by just how alone his mum had seemed, and had realise that – other than his dad and himself – no one really took the time to think of her or miss her, and no one really thanked her for what she did. Rick had always taken her support for granted, and he supposed everyone else did too. As she’d put the roast dinner on the table, Rick had thought about how she’d done this every day for the last twenty-something years, without fail. He remembered all the times she’d waited for him to get home from football practice or martial arts, all the times she’d waited for his dad to come home from work or from the pub, just so they could have a hot meal ready for them as soon as they were through the door.

Rick supposed that was when he started to realise that his dad could do a lot more to support his mum. Sure, he was the breadwinner, but his dad smoked and drank away a lot of what he earned. Rick hadn’t realised just how easy it was to spend far too much on alcohol until he’d decided to stop going out and getting absolutely hammered chance he got, and had noticed how much more money he had left at the end of each month. His dad smoked as well. Rick had taken a while give up entirely – every time he’d bought a packet of fags, he had told himself it would be the last one, but he was usually drunk when he bought them, so the resolve didn’t really stuck and having bought them he always finished the them. Depending on who he spent time with and how often Rick had gone out drinking, he used to get through about twenty a week. His dad, however, probably smoked that in a day. They were expensive. Rick didn’t get the point any more. To start with, he’d told himself there was no point in bothering to give up, because he had nothing better to spend his money on anyway, and smoking was a social thing – it helped relieve stress too. But it meant having to go outside in the wind and the rain. It meant your clothes stank. It also wasn’t healthy, but he’d had a hard time convincing himself of that. It was only a few weeks after his last cigarette that he’d notice and improvement in his fitness and realised that he didn’t have to have been smoking as much or for as long as his dad for it to be affect his health. Ultimately, it had been the inconvenience of having to go outside and the fact he hated stinking of smoke that made Rick give up.

Rick had no idea what his mum did with the money he gave her. He trusted she wouldn’t tell his dad, and hoped she was keeping it for herself and not putting it in the account that paid for all the bills, the food and his dad’s booze and fags – but at the end of the day it wasn’t up to him. He’d asked her for her account details when his dad was out the room, saying he wanted to give her some money to treat herself – a spa or whatever, he was useless at knowing what kind of thing to get people – and then when he’d put money in the account the following month and his mum had phoned him, confused as to what to do with it, he’d just told her to treat herself again. It was for her. She’d seemed at a complete loss, and it occurred to Rick that she’d never really done anything purely for herself. Her life had been about him, and about her husband; she thought of what they wanted and needed before considering herself. It had upset him to realise that, and how selfish he’d been. He knew that money was a pretty lame way of trying to make up for it, but other than that, the phone calls and the letters he made a point of sending regularly despite his spidery handwriting, he didn’t know what else he could do. He hoped she at least understood the gesture.

He’d go past a jeweller, looking for a new watch. He didn’t have to – Argos would be just fine – but as he pulled on his jacket and shoes, Rick was still thinking about his mum. She always wore the same jewellery, but perhaps he’d come across something he could get her for Christmas.

Perhaps he’d also find something for Kieren. As he pulled the flat door firmly shut behind him, his thoughts turned back to what had happened in the last twenty-four hours. He didn’t really know where to start. The idea of it all honestly scared him. He cared about Kieren, and seeing yesterday just how unhappy and hurt he had been was hard enough, but to actually see him inflict pain on himself, and to know Rick had been the cause of it… It made Rick feel like shit. He wished Kieren had cut him instead. Rick deserved the pain, not Kieren. Kieren had done nothing wrong. For a minute, Rick wondered if being around would do Kieren any good at all, or if it would just damage him even further, but then pushed the thought aside. Kieren needed someone, and so far no one had managed to make a difference. Rick would at least try. It seemed like Krista had tried – or at least wanted to help – but Rick got the feeling that Kieren had been alone for a long time, and hadn’t let anyone in. He wondered if he’d even gone to a doctor. There were therapists for this kind of thing. There were therapists – and pills – for pretty much everything, eating disorders too. Someone had to have said something about Kieren’s weight, surely? Rick worried that bringing it up would somehow worsen the situation though, and he was afraid to push Kieren away. He couldn’t stay quiet and just ignore it, though, hoping it would go away, but he didn’t even know where to start – the self-harming was almost unbearable to have seen so soon after it had been done, but not eating enough food had to be causing more long term harm, surely? There was too much you couldn’t see, too many ways Kieren could be hurting himself that weren’t as apparent as the neat little cuts on his forearms.

Rick didn’t want to fuck up any more. He didn’t want to be a failure. The knowledge that he’d done an infinite amount of damage in leaving Kieren was exhausting – he felt the full weight of it, and didn’t know how to deal with it. He didn’t know what he could have done differently, he just knew now that he should have – what he did had been wrong. The longer he looked at it, the more selfish it seemed. He’d wanted Kieren to move on, to be happy and have a new life. Rick hadn’t wanted to tie him to a place Kieren had never truly belonged. Kieren hadn’t been happy in Roarton, and there was the whole world for him to explore and flourish in. Rick had just assumed he was doing the right thing, but in not giving Kieren a say, he’d selfishly saved himself from the heartbreak of saying a proper goodbye, and of admitting the whole truth as to why he was leaving. He didn’t even want to admit it to himself now, but Rick had left because he couldn’t face the thought of a life in Roarton without Kieren, and wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if Kieren had stayed because of him.

Joining the army had also pleased his dad. Rick didn’t remember his granddad, but he knew he’d fought in the Second World War, and got the sense that his dad was proud of that. Rick had felt like he was making his dad proud of him too. That had felt good, and Rick had been able to convince himself he’d done the right thing in joining up. When he thought of Kieren, he just told himself that Kieren would be okay. He’d make great friends at uni, he’d find someone far, far better to be with than Rick. Every time Rick thought of him, he’d told himself Kieren was happy.

Only he hadn’t been. He was still at university, but he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t healthy; he wasn’t with someone who loved him and made him feel happy and safe and loved, as he should be. When talking about the fact he’d slept with all those people, the way Kieren had said ‘I thought it would make me miss you less’ made Rick think Kieren had never forgotten him. He’d never stopped missing him, even if perhaps he’d eventually stopped wanting him – Kieren had said that he needed Rick, not that he wanted him. Rick was painfully aware of the difference between the two.

Rick found himself wandering aimlessly around the market, not quite sure why he’d ended up there. He’d poked around the jewellers without much enthusiasm, bought himself a hat and gloves from Millets, gone to the bank, bought some toiletries from Wilkos, had a baked potato from the street vendor, bought a serviceable watch from Argos, and then checked out the new release DVDs in HMV before drifting towards the market. Trying to get himself to focus on his surroundings, Rick walked past the shop selling bags, purses and rucksacks, and had figured he might as well get a rucksack. He only had his huge army-issue rucksack and his laptop case, and would rather carry weight on his back than have several plastic bags in his hands. When nothing caught his eye, he decided he might as well try Reef, and get some new jeans while he was there. He wanted the backpack to be something he could use and then leave with Kieren.

When he left Reef, his head felt clearer, his thoughts more organised. Rick knew he  and Kieren would have to talk about what happened, and he wasn’t looking forward to it, but he wasn’t going to put it off and ignore the problem, hoping it would go away. He would be there for Kieren, no matter how difficult it was going to be. He owed him that much, at least, and he knew it wasn’t going to be as simple as telling Kieren to just stop hurting himself and to start eating – he needed to give him a reason to.

* * *

As two o’clock approached, Rick found himself feeling more and more nervous, and when Kieren sent him a text to say he was ten minutes away, he struggled to still his thoughts again. Kieren might have changed his mind – he might not want Rick to touch him, or to stay another night. He might think Rick was going be pushy and obstinate about what had happened earlier, and force Kieren to talk even if he didn’t want to. Kieren owed him nothing, and could just as easily shut the door in his face as he could open it. He hoped he wouldn’t, though

Rick was practiced at staying still, and tried not to show how anxious he felt as he waited. When the bus finally pulled up, a few other people got off before Kieren, and Rick hung back. He tried to fight the smile creeping across his face as he saw Kieren, his worries almost completely forgotten. It had only been a few hours, but he’d missed him more than he realised.

“Hey,” he greeted as Kieren stepped towards him. His heart fell slightly when Kieren didn’t try to take his hand, and he ached with the effort of not reaching out and closing the distance between them. He badly wanted to kiss Kieren. “Had a good day?”

“Yeah.” Kieren gave a small smile and nodded, eyes fixed on Rick’s, head tilting slightly in concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied tightly, his voice sounding strained. He tried not to let his eyes flicker down to Kieren’s soft lips that had dried in the cold air and were parted, letting out warm clouds of air, and then realised he’d failed. He looked away, flustered. “Let’s go, yeah?”

“Rick?”

He looked back when Kieren didn’t turn to walk with him, and found gloved fingers slipping between his, tugging back towards Kieren. He went willingly, well aware that they were still standing in the middle of the pavement.

“You sure you’re okay?” Kieren asked again.

Rick bit his lip, his heart hammering in his chest. He was being unbelievably stupid. There was no need to feel as terrified as he did. There was no need to ask the question he found slipping from his lips despite his intention to say nothing. “Can I kiss you?”

The question was idiotic, and Rick wished he could take it back the second he’d asked it. Kieren looked taken aback.

“Here?”

Rick wanted to insist Kieren forget he’d said anything, but instead found himself nodding. Kieren was still a moment, and then quickly closing the distance himself, pressing his chapped lips to Rick’s. For the briefest of moments, Rick froze, and then felt the tension leave his body in an almost dizzying rush as their lips moved against each other, nothing but relief being left behind.

Someone walked into Rick’s back, breaking the kiss abruptly as whoever it was caught the rucksack as they pushed past. Rick turned towards them reflexively, annoyed. The guy kept walking, though, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, headphones in ears.

“Wanker,” Rick muttered. Kieren squeezed his hand.

“Let’s go home,” he suggested.

“Yeah, good idea. Do you need anything from the shop?”

“No, do you?”

“Later.”

Kieren nodded, biting his lip. “I’ll come with you.”

Rick pressed closer against Kieren as they walked, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kieren’s hand, despite the fabric separating them. “I’d like that. Later, though, yeah? Unless you want hot chocolate when we get in?”

Kieren hesitated, his steps faltering. He looked up at Rick through thick lashes, looking almost sheepish as he admitted he liked the idea. “Hot chocolate sounds good.”

“Marshmallows and cream?”

“Marshmallows and cream,” Kieren agreed. Rick grinned at him, genuinely excited by the thought of the rich, sweet treat as they crossed the road, heading to the shop rather than the flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***  
> If you like it... idk, I'm just really scared people will hate it, so if you don't hate it, please leave kudos or a comment or something... idk, as long as people say they like it, I'll try and update?


	9. Diminished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***ORIGINAL NOTE***  
> Well, to the people who left such nice comments and sent messages... this is for you guys <3 (I do love you, I promise, it's just... these two are awkward, yeah?)
> 
>  **Trigger warning for emetophobia**  
>  It's right near the end, and shouldn't be too bad, but as someone who has emetophobia (yeah, I know, don't ask how I can write what petrifies me - I just love Rick too much for anything to put me off him) I know it might be upsetting if you're not expecting it.  
> If you're worried, [message me on tumblr](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/ask/) and I'll link you to a version that doesn't mention s*.

 

Gimme a min...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I guess?
> 
> .  
> Right, that hot chocolate?  
> 1\. Get yourselves a Ripple (my fave), Twirl or Flake (anything that looks like [this](http://www.chocablog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/galaxy-ripple-2.jpg) and crumbles easily, really - solid chocolate takes aeons). You'll need at least one bar for each mug of chocolate.  
> 2\. You'll need milk too. Get the mug you're going to drink from, and fill it will about 1/2 - 3/4 with milk, then pour that milk into a saucepan (and repeat for however many mugs you're making).  
> 3\. Start heating the milk. Bash the chocolate bar against the counter, punch it, crumble that fucker up and dump it in the saucepan. Keep the heat low, and stir until it's all melted and there aren't any lumps.  
> 4\. Pour into your mug, heap with marshmallows, smother with cream, whatever. Enjoy.  
> You can alter it, try mint or orange, whatever, more chocolate, less chocolate.
> 
> <3


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